My Emotional, Confessional Blogging

Sometimes after I have written a blog post expressing (confessing) my emotional struggles and/or inner conflict, I will get private notes from friends telling me (lovingly) that I am too hard on myself and need to give myself a break for being human. I always appreciate that feedback. I thrive on reassurance and affirmation. Always have. Probably always will ... unless I make some huge and rapid progress in my advancing age! Ha Ha.

My favorite books are usually ones in which the authors confess to having a lot of my same struggles and flaws; therefore reassuring me that I am not alone or completely unique. And I have received private notes from readers (of my blog and book), urging me to keep writing and sharing my heart, because I do that for them. I always appreciate that feedback too. That is one of the reasons I often feel inspired to err on the side of self-disclosure. If it helps even one person reading, it means so much to me. I also realize that, at this point, I have quite a few CLL readers (both patients and caregivers). In that journey, as well as every other challenge in life, I have found that it helps enormously simply to know we are not alone. There are others who completely understand and relate to what we are going through.

However, another (more selfish) reason I write is because it helps me to process my emotions and work through them. I began this blog in 2007 and although I don't browse my archives regularly, I like having this public journal of my private struggles to occasionally revisit certain periods of time and see the progress God has helped me to make. There were times, obviously, when I wasn't able to come right out and say what I was specifically struggling with (primarily with regard to John's diagnosis). But to anyone reading who did know what I was going through, it was there (between the lines).

If I'm gone tomorrow, I also like knowing that what I've shared will still be accessible. For whatever it's worth. Not just for the sake of shared human struggles, CLL information and (hopefully) spiritual inspiration -- but also for the little tributes I occasionally write to the people I love.

As far as my being hard on myself ... as long as I have that struggle internally, it will show up in some of my blog posts. Just always keep in mind that, because I am so emotionally expressive, there may be times when I appear in worse shape (in writing) than I actually am (in person). Although I am by nature a very emotional person, by the grace of God, I am also resilient. So you don't have to worry about me, although I do appreciate your prayers.

I continue to battle fatigue this week. I am so tired in the mornings that I wonder occasionally if I'm going to be diagnosed with CLL next (my dad has it). But I know there are other strong possibilities at work in my physical body. And life has been stressful for the last few months. But I am feeling better. And I'm following directions and cutting myself some slack for all of the emotional stress I have imposed upon myself lately. Just thought some of you might like to know that. ; )

Marian had blood drawn today. Her white count is continuing to decline. It was just a little over 13 today (down from 53 prior to treatment). She is getting stronger and is back home in Evansville now. I took her and my niece Ashleigh to Maggiano's for lunch after Marian's office visit. We had a great time, as well as a great meal.

It was Ashleigh's first dining experience at Maggiano's and I always love being the person to treat someone to a first dining experience.