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Christmas Wishes for Blessings!

As I have been getting ready to go to my mother-in-law's house and celebrate Christmas with John's family, I have been thinking of ALL my family. The simple truth for many of us is that we are not always close to every member of our families. Most families have strains, problems and relational issues. And Christmas brings many emotions to the surface; heartache as well as joy. I am well acquainted with both.

While my heart will always feel sadness for the relationships that are not "wonderful" in my life, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for the ones that are! And each year brings new hope for healing and restoration. We never know what God has in store. Christmas should renew our hope for miracles as we celebrate the miracle of our Savior's birth.

This Christmas morning, I am wishing all my family and friends a wonderful, warm, merriest Christmas ever and God's richest blessings in the coming year!

Still have my joy...

It's been a good day. We went to get John's blood checked this morning and although his white count is still low, it is not as dangerously low as it was last week. After getting back from Nashville, John went to the dealership and I went grocery shopping. Danny, Rebecca and the boys arrived at our house at about 2:00. We were supposed to celebrate Christmas with them tonight. We were going to have tacos and open presents. They were going to spend the night.

After hugs and kisses, we admired Frosty the Snowman in the hallway and then I offered the boys an assortment of decorated cookies from Julia's Bakery. Andrew chose a snowman and Joshua said, "I'll have one a little later, Grandma Shari." That should have been the big red flag. What four-year-old turns down a cookie? Five minutes later he started to choke (or so we thought), Danny said, "Joshua, are you okay?" And he threw up out of nowhere. Party over. We were all looking forward to the evening and so disappointed, but we knew they would not be staying.

With John in the middle of chemo, he is far more susceptible to infection. His immune system is compromised and his body cannot fight infection as it normally would. Rebecca cleaned up so I would not be more exposed. We opened Christmas presents quickly. I snapped a few pictures. And then we said our good-byes.

I could feel my emotions very close to the surface, but I refused to be sad. I focused on how glad I was that I got to see the boys open their presents, even if they didn't get to stay all night. I kept my smile and told Danny and Rebecca that even though chemo is interrupting Christmas this year, at least it will be over before the new baby comes in April. John should be feeling much better by then and hopefully things will be back to normal.

Andrew was really engrossed in one of his toys and Rebecca had told him he couldn't open it and take the pieces out until they got home. So when Rebecca told him they were going home, he took it well. He came over, gave me a hug, and said, "We have to go to our house. Don't cry, Grandma Shari." It was so cute.

As they drove away, I could have cried. There were tears in my eyes. But I forced myself to think of how thankful I was that I got to see them, I got to watch them open their presents, and I got to spend a little quality time with their mommy and daddy. Thank goodness Poppy John was at work and not exposed. We have many more Christmases to look forward to in the future. And I quickly recovered.

I drove to the store and bought some Lysol so I could disinfect the carpet, the couch and the air before John got home. Then I made dinner and baked Romance Cookies.

Now that I finally have my Christmas spirit, I am not about to lose it.

Ready for Christmas

I guess I am "officially" ready now. My Christmas shopping is done. The gifts are wrapped and under the tree. It just occurred to me that I can clear my wrapping paraphenalia off the kitchen table and put it back in the guest room closet now. I wrapped the last few purchases tonight before dinner. I'm done for another year.

We go to Nashville in the morning to get John's counts checked. Last week they had nose-dived again. So he is having to take an additional (stronger) antibiotic until his WBC rebounds. Last time his white count and neutrophils had come back to almost normal by the second week after treatment. But Dr. Flinn said they might not come back as quickly this time because of the cumulative toxicity. I'm hoping he is out of the danger zone by tomorrow so we can breathe a little easier about being around kids and going to church on Christmas Eve, which is our personal Christmas tradition. We love the Candlelight Christmas Eve service and this year is extra special because it will be the first service in our new sanctuary.

The kids were hit with a virus over the weekend and I wondered if we would even be able to see them this week. But at this point it looks like everyone has fully recovered. I have learned, however, to wait until the last minute to grocery shop. Last time I was planning to make a big Mexican feast, Andrew started running a fever and we had to cancel our plans at the last minute. The fever came on just after I had bought all the ingredients for a big dinner, of course. When a person's immune system is compromised by chemotherapy, they cannot take any unnecessary chances with exposing themself to infection. I say unnecessary chances because you can't avoid any chance of being exposed if you have a job, if you go into a grocery store, etc. But so far, John has had no infections; not even a cold. And I am so thankful for that.

I have had a hard time feeling the "ho ho ho" of Christmas this year. I know it is mostly stress. Although chemotherapy is not nearly as hard on me as it is on John, I have to admit that I have not felt like myself since he began treatment in September. Everything that I would normally enjoy just feels like another form of stress to me this year. I think the holidays often accentuate whatever is not just right in our lives. And I have found myself frequently focusing on pain, fear and anxiety this Christmas season.

One thing I do know is that when I see the sweet little faces of my grandsons tomorrow afternoon, I will instantly rediscover the "ho ho ho" of Christmas. Just picturing them walking through the door makes me smile. But no matter what happens tomorrow -- even if some unforeseen circumstance should prevent me from seeing those sweet little faces -- I am determining in my heart right now to allow the joy of Christmas and the joy I have in Christ to overwhelm every other aspect of my life, including all my fears and anxieties for the future.

It's amazing. I feel strength simply from typing those words.

Book Signing

I'm sitting here watching the Titans with John and thought I would share some details about the book signing yesterday.

I have to be honest that I was not looking forward to it. I have never written a book or done a book signing. I'm an unknown author. I pictured myself sitting at a table all alone, not one person buying a book or making eye contact with me. I knew I had to do it and I couldn't wait to get it behind me. I told John I was nervous and he told me later that he had prayed for me all day.

This book is so much more than a book for me. It's my life. It's my testimony. It is a deeply personal journey. My heart is on the pages. Although I am naturally an open person and I don't mind being vulnerable, by putting myself out there as I have in this book, I'm vulnerable in a way I have never experienced before. And not just vulnerable as far as the information I share about myself (which is not all pretty). The most excruciating vulnerability in this book is connected to the reactions of readers; because I am intertwined with this book in ways that I could not possibly be intertwined had I written a work of fiction. I often translate a person's perception of the book or its content as their perception of me. This extends to what I included in the book as well as what I did not. Some people think it is horrible that I wrote this book and others think I was kind. Translation in Shari's psyche: Some people think I am a horrible person and some people think I am a kind person. (Except when someone says I was too kind and then that becomes a negative, too.)

Although the reactions I personalize the most are from people who know me, I still felt very vulnerable going into this book signing. I knew it would be hard not to personalize a disappointing response. And I did not go with great expectations. I went thinking; this could wind up being very embarrassing.

I arrived a few minutes early and sat down at the table displaying my books and a flyer. The staff at Hastings were so helpful and warm. Tony, the store manager, told me people had already been inquiring about the book and several copies had been sold. Within five minutes of sitting down, a woman approached the table, picked up a book and said she had come to the store to buy it and have me sign it. She told me that when she was made aware of the book her first thought was, "Someone has written my story."

This got things off to such a positive start that I relaxed and felt good about being there. I was seated at a table just inside the entrance where customers had to walk past me as they entered the store. I was amused at how many people went out of their way not to make eye contact. This is just human nature. We do it even when we see sweet little girls selling Girl Scout cookies outside the grocery store. If we are in a hurry or we don't want to be engaged in conversation (or an attempt to sell us something), we pretend we don't see people. I was not even tempted to personalize this. It's something I have done so many times.

One older gentleman handled the awkwardness with a joke. As he walked past the table, he smiled at me and said, "Would you like to sign a book for me?" I said, "I would love to sign a book for you." And he said, with a chuckle, "Well, you can't because I don't have one." He cracked himself up, and this cracked me up too. I wished him a Merry Christmas and really meant it.

And then an angel walked in the door. A new friend who shares my roots made quite a drive just to support me at the book signing. This is not a person I grew up with, though. I'm actually a little older than her dad. We were never peers or even friends in CGT because of our age difference. And I left the church before she did. But the book has been therapeutic for her and has facilitated her in sharing her heart with loved ones and feeling more understood than she once would have ever hoped for. It brought tears to my eyes as I listened. While this kind of dialogue and understanding with loved ones may not happen for me as a result of the book, it is profoundly rewarding for me that it is happening for someone else. I told her that whenever I am struggling with the consequence of personal rejection for writing the book, I will think of her and feel joy.

Another friend also popped in to say hi and show support shortly after the event began. And then a little later John came to check on me and see how things were going. By this time, I had been approached by a number of customers and engaged in conversation. I had sold several books and was feeling energized by the day. I stayed a few extra minutes to sign the remaining copies before leaving and wound up selling two additional books.

I then came home to an email from the rep at Barnes & Noble letting me know that she had ordered copies to carry in the Murfreesboro store and would also like me to do a book signing for them, as well. She told me they were planning a local author event in February and invited me to be a part of it.

I felt inspired and compelled all year long to write and publish my testimony. But I have not felt any real drive to promote the book. Because of the intertwining of myself and the book that I have already described, promoting the book feels like self-promotion to me. And the last thing I have any desire to promote is myself. If God has a plan or purpose for the book, He will have to open the doors because I can't picture myself knocking on them. I have been anxious at every turn. I am a person who is easily overwhelmed with self-doubt. But although there have been challenges and some painful repercussions of sharing my story, the rewards have already far outweighed them.

As my friend described to me how the book is bringing greater understanding for her own feelings because of the communication it has provoked, I realized that I could not be happier if that were happening for me personally.

Dancing in the Rain

I saw this quote as I was Christmas shopping this week...

"Life is not about learning to survive the storm, but rather learning how to dance in the rain." (Author Unknown)

Since this has been a challenging Christmas season for me, I was even more drawn to the quote. I bought a small picture frame with the quote on it and I plan to put a picture of John and me in it.

The last two years have brought more than their share of stress. John was diagnosed with CLL in 2007. This September, he began the first of six rounds of chemotherapy, which will hopefully put him in remission for a long time. Going through chemo isn't easy on the patient or the spouse. We are both feeling the wear and tear of illness. John feels it physically and emotionally. My wear and tear is mainly emotional. But neither of us has inflicted any wear and tear on the other. And that is something to be thankful for. Stress can (and often does) bring out the worst in people. Of course, as the spouse, I want to be the most loving, nurturing and supportive partner I can possibly be. But what amazes me is how loving, nurturing and supportive my patient is to me.

As you might imagine, this won't go down in history as the most festive December of our lives. There are days when it feels like we are just surviving the storm. But today I danced a little in the rain.

I have been sleep deprived two nights in a row. I finally went back to bed at 6:00 this morning and slept until 8:30. But I was still so tired. I don't know about you, but when I'm feeling stress and not sleeping, it affects my emotions. And today was no exception. I was feeling so blue as I started some laundry and sipped a cup of coffee. I was definitely just surviving the storm.

And then the phone rang. It was John calling to check on me and tell me that he was considering leaving early and spending the afternoon with me. He knew I needed to do more shopping and he asked if I wanted him to go with me. I said, "You have no idea how much I would like that."

We didn't accomplish anything; not a single purchase. But we strolled the mall, had a nice dinner out and I got to talk to my best friend about some of the things that were causing me anxiety (which I had been trying to keep to myself). John has such a soothing way of helping me put things in their proper perspective.

On the way home, I noticed that I was feeling better and I told John, "You have no idea how much I needed this today." He said he did. And he reminded me that the worst thing I can do is internalize all my emotions because I am a communicator. I have to talk to feel better. He knows me well and, even better, he lets me be who I am. I am so thankful for my husband. Today he was the caregiver.

And I have survived another storm to once again dance in the rain.

Sleepless Nights

I have been awake since around 2:00 am. This is the second night in a row that I haven't slept. I was so tired all day yesterday, I was just sure I would sleep right through the night. I know I am so fortunate that this is not the norm for me. John says he never gets a solid night's sleep and most every night he lies awake unable to sleep, or wakes up every hour, on the hour. My interrupted sleep is sporadic and not a pattern; it seems to happen without rhyme or reason. However, I notice that on those nights when I can't sleep, I develop anxiety from not being able to go back to sleep, and then I of course have to attach that anxiety to thoughts.

The first thoughts I attached to my anxiety this early morning were connected to my remaining shopping list. Sometimes there are persons you really want to come up with something special for, but can't seem to think of a single good idea. I'm feeling stress not only about figuring out a gift, but frustration that I am allowing gift buying to be a stress in my life instead of an enjoyable pleasure.

The second thought to attack my brain had to do with a comment, which I absolutely know was not intended to hurt me but, nevertheless, triggered anxiety for the rest of the day and evening because of my perception that this person's feelings were not 100% positive toward me. Whenever I come face to face with my insecurity and my inability to take disapproval in stride, I feel frustrated with myself on many levels. While I don't ever want to become insensitive to the feelings of others, I recognize that I lean toward unhealthy co-dependence and being overly concerned about people's agreement (or disagreement) with my choices. I don't want to go through life constantly seeking affirmation and approval. The main reason I don't want to do this is because it's self-absorbed.

And these are just some of the things my mind wrestles with in the middle of the night.

It is now a little after 6:00 and I have been awake since 2:00. I'm thinking about all the things I need to do and how much I need sleep. I'm thinking that I managed to get in the Christmas spirit for one whole day...maybe I can do it again!

Book Article

Howerton pens book...

I think the writer did a nice job of condensing a lengthy interview into a concise article. I don't think she has had a chance to read the whole book yet, though. The article states that I never questioned the rules and expectations placed on me and my family. And I tried to convey in the book that I did have many questions throughout my life. It just took me a very long time to openly challenge what I had been taught and confront the fears that had been instilled in me.

This is the first time I have ever been interviewed for a newspaper article. I knew it would have to be a brief synopsis of our conversation. It was interesting to read the points that most impressed the interviewer. I hope the article causes people to want to read the book and maybe even buy it for someone as a Christmas gift!

Speaking of Christmas gifts, I knocked out the majority of my shopping today! I cannot believe how much I accomplished in one day. I met John for dinner and then stopped at two additional stores before coming home (at 8:30). I still have a couple of things to pick up, but soon I will be moving from my shopping list to the task of wrapping. And that is a very good feeling. What really feels good is that I found everything I was looking for and I am very happy with all of my purchases.

Fun Night!

Our four-year-old grandson, Joshua, was a tree in the Mustard Seed Choir last night. He is standing next to his best buddy...

Joshua having fun after the program...

Andrew hamming it up for Grandma Shari...

The whole family...


I think you can tell (I can) by this picture that it was a major effort for John to go to a Christmas program last night. (Although he looks good considering what he's going through.) But he wanted to go with me to Joshua's program and it meant the world to me to have him there.

Andrew was an affectionate angel last night. He crawled all over both of us, continually pressed his cheek against mine, gave me kisses unasked, looked up at me in irresistible sweetness and said, "I love you." He ran to every grandparent (and there are several of us) showing equal enthusiasm for every single one. It was absolutely adorable to watch him look up at his Granddaddy Tom like he was just thrilled to see him and Grandma Mel. He pointed out Poppy John to Grandma Mel, saying, "That's Poppy John." Melanie said, "Oh, that's John?" And Andrew said, "No, that's POPPY John." A few minutes later he was stroking John's sweater vest and looking at him as if to say, I'm SO glad to see you. It melts my heart just reflecting on it. This phase Andrew is in is so precious, I want to savor it!

Joshua wasn't quite as much of a cuddle bug last night because of the excitement of the evening, but we did get some hugs and kisses (had to ask for his). That kid can talk and talk and talk. I loved watching him go from person to person making conversation.

I think I am now officially in the mood to Christmas shop.