An old, old song...

I woke up in the middle of the night and was praying for John. I wasn't upset or fearful. I was just telling God that I knew He could heal John completely with one touch of His hand. And if He didn't, I still trusted Him. Immediately I began to hear a song in my mind that I have not heard in many, many years. I couldn't even find the lyrics online, so I'll just share what I remember:

The touch of His hand on mine
The thrill of His presence divine
When I tremble with fear
He will understand
When I need Him He's near me
to hold my hand
I love Him
I count on His care
When I need Him He's always there
I just couldn't live
If He didn't give me
The touch of His wonderful hand

God doesn't reveal to me every aspect of His will for my life in advance. He never has. He has allowed me to go through many hard things I did not understand while I was going through them. And there are some I don't even understand in hindsight. But I trust Him because what is unknown to me is known to Him. I believe with all my heart that He loves me and is working all things for my good. And I have always been able to see His hand in my life - His unfathomable mercy - in everything I have ever gone through.

John's CLL sometimes makes me feel afraid of what I might have to face in the future. I cried in Steinmart yesterday while talking on my cell phone with a close friend about my concerns. But I know God loves John. I know God loves me. And I know that God brought us together. God knew John was going to lose Brittany and He knew that John was going to have CLL (he probably had it then in its undetectable beginning stages). The reality that I am here to go through all of this with John is a miracle of God's mercy.

I'm so thankful that I feel God's love for me all the time and in all circumstances. I never question His love for me. I don't remember ever questioning His love. I remember a few times thinking that maybe the details of my life were not important to Him and not understanding why I had to go through something for so long. But I never could believe that it was because He didn't care about me.

As I sang that song over and over in my mind at 4:00 AM, I believed God was letting me know He is never far from me and He knows all my concerns and fears. He also knows how much I love John and that I want him to be well. He is watching over me and listening to my prayers.

I just thought I would share those lyrics in case they might be an encouragement to anyone reading my blog today.


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