Good thing I can laugh at myself...

A couple of weeks ago we went to a Rutherford County Chamber of Commerce Banquet ("Business at its Best") at the Embassy Suites. We hadn't done something like this in a while. We have actually become quite the little hermit couple, staying home a lot and accepting very few invitations for social engagements. But our pastor was receiving an award at this event and friends of ours - who had a table reserved - invited us to join them. So we got all dressed up and went.

John had just recently finished his last round of treatment and was recovered from the last dreaded weekend following chemo. He looked fantastic and I was the beaming wife as person after person told him how amazingly good he looked (knowing what he'd been through the previous five months). We got to see lots of friends we hadn't seen recently. And one person, after giving me a big hug, said, "I see you on Facebook all the time! You must spend A LOT of time on there!"

I laughed and said, "Well, it's open on my laptop a lot, even when I'm doing other things." Which is true. But I began to feel a little self-conscious thinking about his comment. In my head, he might as well have said, "Do you do anything other than Facebook?" LOL.

Now, mind you, John has teased me plenty about having a real life and a cyber life. I have set records for "fastest email response." I blog. I read countless CLL sites and other people's blogs. I even sometimes read the Bible online (comparing translations). And I love Facebook. It's no secret that I spend chunks of time on the computer. I practically lived with my computer on my lap last year while writing and editing my book. But for some reason this comment from this person embarrassed me. Go figure.

Several friends have pointed out to me that in order for someone to notice that I am "always on Facebook," that person must also be on Facebook to see me. And I do realize that. But still...

I noticed that I began to monitor my FB time a little more. And instead of leaving myself signed on while I wasn't really "there" I would make a point of signing off and only signing on in short intervals. I have even started closing my laptop instead of leaving it open, self-imposing longer breaks. And I would feel so proud of myself if I hadn't checked FB for hours. (I have never gone a whole day.) I stopped posting frequent status updates; especially about food. And that's a whole 'nother story.

Some of my FB friends love reading what I'm cooking and eating. Other readers say I continually make them hungry. And then there is another segment of the FB population who feel it their duty to lecture me on healthier eating as a result of reading my updates. Some readers don't seem to pick up on how often I make fun of myself and that I really do know what I should be eating; I just lack self-discipline in that area of my life! LOL. It's actually quite amusing, but can also lead to my wondering if perhaps I share too much. (Like the realization is going to stop me...)

Well, apparently I have been so successful at cutting back on my online social life that I am being missed. I had a friend tell me she has been missing my updates and loves reading about what I've been cooking. She said, "You've been so quiet on FB lately!" And today one of my cousins sent me a message asking if everything was okay. She was concerned about me because she hadn't been seeing me on FB much lately. :)

Well, maybe I've been doing TOO well at limiting my online social interaction. I may just have to start talking about my meals again! But I'm trying so hard to eat healthier, it's not going to be as interesting.

I have also not had nearly as much to say on my blog lately, but this hasn't been because of any self-imposed hiatus. There are just times I feel inspired to write and a lot of other times I don't. I haven't felt so much on my heart to write about lately and I think that may be a good thing.

I've mentioned before that the book has given me such a sense of closure on the past that I feel released from its power over my emotions. I am not constantly trying to work through or process so much. I am just living in today and enjoying the life God has blessed me with. It's not that I haven't been enjoying my life before. I have. But I am no longer troubled by or engaged with certain struggles. This release and detachment is something I have wanted for so long. And I thought I would "get there" one day. But I am surprised by the suddenness of it, as I did not expect that to come from the book's publication so immediately. If anything, I thought I was going to bring more pain into my life by publishing it. But the opposite has been true. I feel so free. I feel like a new woman. I am feeling overwhelmed with a lot of joy recently. Some really good things have come out of the book; some of them are things I wouldn't even write about on my blog. But really good, unexpected blessings have come even from directions I would have least expected. Healing for me as well as others. It's been more rewarding than I can possibly put into writing. And it feels like something heavy has lifted off me.

So I'm living and enjoying life right now and basking in the blessings I've been given. My biggest concern is for my husband's health. And that is a big concern. But John is doing well right now and I am determined not to give up the joy of today by fearing tomorrow and whatever uncertainty it holds.

We go for CT Scans Monday and see the doctor on Tuesday. So I will post an update of John's status once we've heard what Dr. Flinn has to say after seeing the results of the scans and bloodwork. John's blood results are processed by a machine within a minute or two of drawing it. So we'll know how well his counts have bounced back from the last round of chemo immediately, as well as precise measurements of the nodes.

I hope and pray the nodes stay down for a long time. But if they don't, there are other treatments. And we will fight this together. I will keep loving him and looking after him the best I can. And he always keeps me laughing, which I am so thankful for.

Last night as I was falling asleep watching TV, I snored so loudly I woke myself up. John was awake and when I woke up we both laughed at my snoring. I said, "Well, that was scary." He patted my arm and said, "My delicate little rose petal." (My snoring is anything but delicate.) You proably had to be there to hear his tone of voice. But it was funny. When I thought about it this morning, I laughed again.

John loves to tease me, but he is also very concerned if he thinks he has ever hurt my feelings. I'm really good about laughing at myself. So I usually think it's funny. But if something does bother me, I can tell him and he would never joke about it again. (For instance, we joke about the fact that being told to "relax" or "calm down" - even in fun - is an emotional trigger for me. I experience those words as condescending even if they are not intended that way.) So, this morning, very sweetly John said, "It didn't hurt your feelings when I said that, did it?" And I told him "No. Absolutely not. I love your sense of humor."

As long as he doesn't say, "Calm down, little rose petal." ; )


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