Sleepless Nights

I have been awake since around 2:00 am. This is the second night in a row that I haven't slept. I was so tired all day yesterday, I was just sure I would sleep right through the night. I know I am so fortunate that this is not the norm for me. John says he never gets a solid night's sleep and most every night he lies awake unable to sleep, or wakes up every hour, on the hour. My interrupted sleep is sporadic and not a pattern; it seems to happen without rhyme or reason. However, I notice that on those nights when I can't sleep, I develop anxiety from not being able to go back to sleep, and then I of course have to attach that anxiety to thoughts.

The first thoughts I attached to my anxiety this early morning were connected to my remaining shopping list. Sometimes there are persons you really want to come up with something special for, but can't seem to think of a single good idea. I'm feeling stress not only about figuring out a gift, but frustration that I am allowing gift buying to be a stress in my life instead of an enjoyable pleasure.

The second thought to attack my brain had to do with a comment, which I absolutely know was not intended to hurt me but, nevertheless, triggered anxiety for the rest of the day and evening because of my perception that this person's feelings were not 100% positive toward me. Whenever I come face to face with my insecurity and my inability to take disapproval in stride, I feel frustrated with myself on many levels. While I don't ever want to become insensitive to the feelings of others, I recognize that I lean toward unhealthy co-dependence and being overly concerned about people's agreement (or disagreement) with my choices. I don't want to go through life constantly seeking affirmation and approval. The main reason I don't want to do this is because it's self-absorbed.

And these are just some of the things my mind wrestles with in the middle of the night.

It is now a little after 6:00 and I have been awake since 2:00. I'm thinking about all the things I need to do and how much I need sleep. I'm thinking that I managed to get in the Christmas spirit for one whole day...maybe I can do it again!

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