A timely quote from Beth Moore...

"You cannot amputate your history from your destiny." (Beth Moore)

I started the study on Esther with some friends this morning. I felt like God was nudging me to go. I haven't participated in this particular group before, but I do know a few of the women attending and one of those friends had invited me to come. As usual, I woke up this morning feeling very lethargic and unmotivated to do anything that required leaving my house. I wake up early and I get up early, but I am not a morning person and I don't really come alive until at least noon. My most productive hours are usually after noon. I kept looking at the clock and trying to decide, basically, between doing something productive and being lazy. I knew I would be glad I went. So I went. And I am indeed so glad I did.

The group leader asked us what we hoped to get out of this particular study. I shared that I need Esther's courage; God given courage.

I don't need the kind of courage that I can muster up inside myself. That kind of courage is the kind you have one day and you may not have the next. That is the kind of courage that depends on my emotions (which regularly fail me). No, I need courage that only God can give me. I need the kind of courage that will enable me to be strong and faithful when hurtful words, condemnation and rejection stare me in the face. You can't muster that kind of courage within yourself. God HAS to give it to you. But God CAN give it to you and He HAS given it to me on many occasions. The only times I don't have it are the times I let people be big and God be small.

I'm learning more and more just what a fearful person I am. I am not allowing my fears to paralyze me. I know what God has asked me to do and I have felt His assistance and confirmation all year long. But I have not been able to fully surrender my fears and anxieties to Him. I find myself worrying obsessively about the reactions of people I still desperately want to love me and know my heart. I give those people (and relationships) to God over and over; then I pick them back up and worry some more over things I cannot control.

This week I have focused on whether or not I am a hypocrite if I have not remembered something hurtful I did to someone and failed to include a glaring fault of my own in the book. I go back over some chapters endlessly, stressing out about this and wondering if there are perhaps any terrible things I've said or done that I can't remember or haven't repented for. Although I can't find a spot in the book where I've portrayed myself as faultless (I included details about my own life that are far from flattering because I wanted to have integrity and be real), I have still carried this fear of forgetting my own sins against others.

I know that I can only write from my own perspective and memories, but I think my worst fear in life is being a hypocrite or a fraud. I never insisted that my son make his bed while growing up because I didn't always make mine and I didn't want to expect something of him that I didn't expect of myself. I have seen a lot of hypocrisy in my life (as we all have) and for as long as I can remember, that was something I never wanted to tolerate in myself consciously. (However, I know that I can be hypocritical and not even recognize it unless and until God reveals it to me.) I have let this fear get the best of my emotions for days.

Because of all the reading and studying I have done, I recognize this fear as self-absorption. Although I could be deceived into thinking it's noble and honorable because it's rooted in a desire not to be something like a hypocrite, it's still self-absorption and it involves worry over how I'm going to appear to others. And God does not want me to find my acceptance and validation in other people. He knows my heart. He knows my failures. He has accepted me, forgiven me and loved me in spite of my long list of imperfections.

There is freedom from worry and fear if I will put my complete faith and trust in God and be willing to have others think whatever they will about me. I know this. I have even experienced it on occasion. But at this stage of my life, that freedom eludes me; it exists in windows of time and then I seem to return to my fear, willingly abandoning the freedom I have been given in Christ. It's that freedom that enables me to do hard things out of deep conviction, allowing me to accept personal suffering or unpleasant repercussions.

I am still carrying emotional baggage that is rooted in my past. And sometimes I ask myself why I can't stop reflecting on my history.

In this morning's video lecture, Beth Moore told her audience that even when our histories are painful and we would like to distance ourselves or put them out of our minds, God doesn't want us to do that. It's not that He wants us to live in the past or be consumed with the past, but our history is intertwined with our destiny and our calling. Whatever He has called us to has a correlation to what He has already delivered us from. Our captivity and our redemption share a common root. Her words were compelling and timely for me. I have wanted to do this study before, but I think God's timing for me is now. I already knew that God had preserved many memories and experiences for a specific purpose. He also gave me an ability to express myself and put my thoughts down in writing. I didn't work to acquire that. God gave me that gift and He gave it to me for a specific purpose. I believe that purpose has been fifty years in the making. But even though I may sometimes be surprised by where I find myself in life or by my circumstances, God is not surprised. He has known my future since before my conception.

When Beth Moore put this quote on the screen ("You cannot amputate your history from your destiny."), I knew God was speaking to me. Whatever my role is in His plan, I realize that it relates specifically to my personal history and my personal redemption. I keep being reminded of Revelation 12:11, where it says:

11 They triumphed over him (their accuser)
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.

Death can be many things. There is physical death, but there is also emotional death that occurs when you face being dead to someone you love (though you are very much alive). I don't know who I have become dead to or may yet become dead to. But I am not to love my life or any part of my life so much as to shrink from that death. It is by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony that I will triumph over my accuser. My prayer is that God will give me the same courage He gave to Esther in doing whatever He requires of me in this life and that the preservation of my life and my personal comfort would never prevent me from doing whatever He asks of me.

Comments

SeNiece said…
This was eloquently written and much needed confirmation. Thank you.