His Strength is made perfect in my weakness!

I just this morning finished reading the entire deposition of Paul Mears. I had read the other two depositions, but kept getting distracted every time I tried to finish Paul's. Wow. After reading all three, it stuns and amazes me how much confirmation is now public record - backing up my own personal memories in detail. When I began writing my book, I had NO idea what questions would be asked in those depositions, how the witnesses would answer; nor could I have known they would wind up on the Internet and subsequently saved to my own hard drive. The book was finished and being edited when the settlement and depositions became "history." How amazing it is to me that just prior to my book being in print, all of this unexpected corroboration of the truth is now public record. I could not have orchestrated that if I'd tried.

I had another one of my emotional days yesterday. I was reviewing an important chapter with a fine tooth comb. My editor is trying to condense each story and I have tried to be open to his suggestions (letting him remove details that he thinks are obvious and don't need to be stated, etc.). While I want to be teachable and flexible and listen to his advice, I also don't want to assume that what is obvious to him will be obvious to all other readers. He cannot fathom how much has already been obvious and yet still completely disregarded. Some things need to be stated very clearly, even though to him it may be stating the obvious. And it's hard work trying to get every last detail just right from that standpoint.

I stayed up late reviewing and again rewriting a specific chapter last night, then went to bed with the weight of the final product weighing heavily on my mind. I dreamed about the chapter, the words, the responsibility I have to others in telling their stories with precise accuracy and giving enough context without being laborious (in my editor's opinion). It seemed like the whole time I slept, I was still engaged in editing. Then I was wide awake at 2:00 AM and couldn't rest again until 5:00.

While I was up, I felt really impressed to go find a little book that had been given to me over a year ago (which I never read because I kind of dismissed it as possibly a gimmicky type of book). The book is "The Prayer of Jabez." I didn't completely finish it before finally getting sleepy. But I intend to finish it today. It's a small book. I couldn't believe how much God spoke to me through that little book I had previously written off. And after an emotional day of feeling like the last thing I wanted to do was even LOOK at a chapter in my book one more time, I felt a renewed sense of purpose and God's reassurance that He has some kind of mission for this book that quite possibly may be more than I fully comprehend.

I feel like such a nobody. I am so inadequate. I don't pray for God to expand my boundaries or my influence. I back up from God assigning me more responsibility than He already has because, quite frankly, the thought of being used by God scares me to death. I am so afraid of messing up and making mistakes. (A by-product of a perfectionism and performance oriented foundation in my life.) But I know in my heart that if God calls us to do something, HE will be the one to equip us for the ministry. He doesn't call ANY of us because we are adequate to fulfill His calling. He just asks us to be willing, even if our willingness costs us dearly and personally.

I long to be God's willing servant. The desire of my heart is to give no thought to how others respond to me. If I am judged harshly or rejected, so be it. I don't want to live for man's approval and acceptance. I just want to be an instrument God can use and equip for His service. It always seems like the days after my days of emotional struggling are the days I feel God's strength fill me to the fullest.

His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Keep reminding me, Lord, of this truth! I need YOUR strength!

Comments

Writing about pain can leave us in an extremely vulnerable place. You wrote:
I long to be God's willing servant. The desire of my heart is to give no thought to how others respond to me. If I am judged harshly or rejected, so be it. I don't want to live for man's approval and acceptance. I just want to be an instrument God can use and equip for His service. It always seems like the days after my days of emotional struggling are the days I feel God's strength fill me to the fullest.

Your humility echoes through every word. Take comfort knowing that your experiences, your pain, and your work now renders you His handmaiden, as you tenderly hand souls to God.
Shari said…
Hillary, I so appreciate your encouragement! Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment on my blog!

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