Still reflecting...(revised)

I woke up this morning feeling emotionally depleted. I've noticed on more than one occasion that when the adrenalin is pumping, I'm fine. It's after an "event" that I feel the impact. I feel like I want to go to bed and cry, yet everything is okay.

I wrote this post this morning when I was feeling very blue. Now that I'm feeling better, I decided to remove some of my comments. In case you didn't read the original version, you didn't miss anything important. I was just feeling sorry for myself and then began feeling like an idiot once the depression lifted. So I removed those "reflections."

I think sometimes stress accumulates in our bodies and catches up with us. I've had a lot of emotional stress in the past few weeks. There's the sadness of serious illness in our family, wrestling with my emotions concerning relational losses, endlessly reflecting on past events as I try to turn a manuscript into a finished book -- to name a few. And now John's hospitalization. I'm just a bit wiepd out.

I've realized you can't be done with something (or someone) just because you decide to be, or you want to be. At least I can't. John says he can. I find myself wondering at times what it would be like to have that kind of control of my emotions and thoughts. I'm not put together that way.

I began writing my book from a sincere desire to help others heal and be understood. I really didn't think I needed to write it as a from of self-therapy. But I was wrong. There is still a lot inside me that needs to be healed.

On a much happier note, today is the sixth anniversary of the Howertons' first date! So much has happened in the last six years. I can't imagine how different my life would be had I never met my John. I certainly don't have to look far to see God's love and mercy in my life. We all have pain, struggle and disappointments. They are part of life. But in the midst of it all, God is always there and I am always mindful of how blessed I am.


John Wagner said…
I am sorry to say I missed this over the last few days. There is no excuse since I should be able to tell when you do an update by just looking on my own blog.

I am also a person who likes reading (and writing) the details. I learn new and helpful things from the details. Two of my brothers are the opposite. When I first started my blog and I was explaining all the medical details they would write and ask me for only the "important" information or for the "Reader's Digest" version. One time I sent an email back with only every fifth word from the blog entry. I can be cruel sometimes. :)

Eight more days is quite a long stint to leave the stent in his kidney. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.) I am assuming he will have to have another surgery to remove it, correct?

I am glad John is doing better and the horrible pain has been relieved. Also happy to see you are doing better. You have many stressors occurring in your life right now and I think an emotional roller coaster ride is very understandable.

I am praying for a quick and total recovery from this surgery and for you to be able to get your lives back to the "new normal" soon.
Shari said…
John, you are such a kind man! Thank you for responding. Don't ever feel bad about not checking my blog regularly. But know that I appreciate your comments very much. I love to get responses to what I've written, but most of my readers rarely comment (or they do so privately).

It's so nice to know someone else is in the details. I think what you did with your brother is hilarious. The nice thing about a blog is, people do not have to come here and read. When it comes to my husband's health and well being, I have to know what's going on; especially since he's more of a passive patient himself. That makes it doubly important for me to educate myself -- so I can look out for him!

Yes, removing the stent will be out-patient surgery. But the doctor said it won't be any big deal. When they removed the catheter, John said it felt like they were removing all his insides for a minute.

Thank you so much for your prayers. Once I get this book of mine done, I am hoping to be a regular again at CLLCF.

I do have a question you may know the answer to. What does it mean when someone has the markers for CLL but does not have CLL? Have you ever heard of that? My m-i-l told me yesterday that Lillian was tested and that was what they told her. She doesn't have it, but she has markers like a person with CLL would have. I may have to ask Dr. Hamblin.

I am so glad I don't have to avoid the subject of CLL on my blog anymore. That has been hard.
John Wagner said…
Shari, perhaps they were talking about MBL with your M-I-L. If you search Dr. Hamblin's Blog with the term MBL you will read much about it. His April 9, 2009, entry might be especially helpful. Also this article may help:

It talks about the circulating B-Cell clones in healthy people designates one as having MBL. If I understand correctly, Dr. Hamblin indicates that everyone who develops CLL starts with MBL, but not all MBL develops into CLL.

Of course I am only guessing and they may have meant something totally different with Lillian. If you find out what they meant, I would be interested in knowing.

I am glad you can openly discuss John's CLL. It must have been difficult trying to be very careful what you said or wrote.

I hope John is doing well today.

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