Feeling these lyrics today...Who am I?

Who Am I (Casting Crowns)

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love, and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

********************************

Danny asked me the other day how it feels to not be writing every day, since I've finished the book. I have devoted so much time to writing since mid-January. I took very few days completely off. And there were many days that I sat and wrote in my pj's until John got home from work. One very amusing story (now, but not then) is how I developed my first ever UTI as a result of sitting at the keyboard all day not drinking any water. Many days I didn't eat all day long because I was so immersed in my writing. Prior to our trip, I had lost five pounds from this. (But I gained it all back in Barbados.)

It does feel different not to be so completely engaged with a project. I have always enjoyed writing, but after working with such focus and diligence on an actual goal, it feels strange to have this break. When I first finished, I felt a real sense of relief and accomplishment. Now I am feeling like I need to get back to writing. So here I am.

I know there will be more writing when I get suggestions back from my editor. But right now, I almost don't know what to do with myself as I wait. My manuscripts are out there. In addition to the editor, the person writing my foreward also has a copy and is reading. I can't wait to be designing a cover and printing.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend tagged me on Facebook in a "note" she wrote. It was entitled "Ten things I want to say to ten people (without naming names)." I loved hers. It was truly a window into her soul. I wanted to write one of my own, but I knew there would be a couple of difficult relationships in that list of ten I simply could not omit. I wanted to speak from my heart in complete honesty, but in gentleness and kindness. One of the people I wrote to has asked me never to tell him I love him again because he claims I don't love him; I just say that to feel better about myself. So I didn't tell him. But he's wrong. Telling him I love him doesn't make me feel better about myself. I don't lie to feel better about myself. I have a lot of faults, but insincerity has never been one of them.

In my list, I wrote collectively to my nieces and nephews. Words cannot express how much I love all of them and what it has meant to me to be their aunt. From the day each of them was born, I had such a burning desire to make them feel loved and special; to give them sweet memories of being adored by their Aunt Shari. I don't have a close relationship with all of them today. But the relationships I have, I deeply cherish. When I first wrote my note, I tagged three of them who I am close to because I wanted them to read the words I wrote to them. Then last night I untagged them because I was concerned that it might seem to someone that I was excluding anyone else. I wanted each niece and nephew to know that I was writing to ALL of my nieces and nephews; not just some.

For some reason, I am compelled to express what is inside me. I don't seem to have a need for a great deal of privacy. I actually like being an open book. But the problem with that is, this trait sometimes makes other people uncomfortable. That is never my goal. But as Popeye always said, "I Yam what I Yam."

I probably made someone uncomfortable yesterday. And that was what I was thinking about as I got into bed. But I can tell that I'm outgrowing my need for approval because that matters less to me today than it once did. Life is messy. Relationships are sometimes complicated. (Thank You, Lord, for the uncomplicated ones!!!) It's okay to admit that. I'm human. You're human. We're all dysfunctional in our own ways. The real tragedy is when people live in denial of that reality. I don't. I know I am flawed and dysfunctional. And I really don't mind confessing that to anybody. More than anything else, I just want to be real.

After all, who am I? I'm nobody. I'm a speck on a planet. A flower quickly fading. Here today and gone tomorrow.

I did not start out to write my book as therapy. I didn't think I even needed that therapy at this point. But it definitely was therapeutic and cathartic on so many levels. Of those who have read the entire manuscript, several have told me, "I saw a transformation in you as the book progressed. You were obviously stronger by the end and have shed some of your baggage." I believe that's true.

As I have written, I have looked for signs that God either wanted me to write the book or did not want me to write the book. I have had so many unexpected doors open and received so much encouragement, it has continually seemed to me that God was inspiring my effort for a purpose. Before I wrote a single word, I prayed and asked God to block me, block my writing, throw obstacles in my way if He didn't want my book to be published. That never happened. In fact, it's been quite the opposite.

I don't think I could have possibly written an entire book in less than four months without God's help and inspiration. However, I am also beginning to understand that God has given me the freedom in Christ to write about my journey and my life and bear my soul. It doesn't have to be a direct calling to write it. I am free to write about my own life and experiences. And because my goal is to glorify God and share the good news of the Gospel, He will take my efforts and use them for the healing of someone else. I believe that with all my heart.

If you are someone my writing causes discomfort for, I want you to know that your discomfort is never my desire. Nor will it ever be. I seem to have a knack for saying things people don't want to hear. But I don't do that because I want to hurt people or make people uncomfortable. What I really want is for everyone to feel good toward me. But I know that is not what God wants for me. He wants me to learn how to rest in Him and not be overly concerned with what you think about me. After all, who am I? It's not about me. It's because of Who He is and because of what He's done that I am free.

Comments

betty.kirschner@yahoo.cm said…
Wow! I can hardly wait for your book, you are such a great communicator. The way you feel about your nieces and nephews is exactly how I feel about my niece and nephew. I have always wanted them to fell special, adored, and have wonderful memories of the time we spent together.
Shari said…
Thanks, Betty. I always appreciate your comments. It is so special to still be in contact with my kindergarten teacher. I think you were probably the first one to write that I was either a little bossy or talked too much. LOL. Once a communicator, always a communicator! LOL.
Robin Hanloh said…
Shari, I love these lyrics and your shared thoughts afterward. Your gift of written expression is meant to be shared. I'm blessed to be a benefactor.

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