What a week...

The highlight of my week was having my nieces come stay with me for their spring break. They are delightful and I love them so much. They were also a wonderful distraction from some of the mental challenges I faced this week.

I'm glad last week is over. It was tough emotionally. I can't go into all of the details on my blog, but I have never been more convinced that spiritual warfare exists and Satan uses others, as well as our own personalities and vulnerabilities to attack and accuse us. In a variety of ways, I have felt under that kind of attack all week. And it has taken a toll on me. By last night, I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted. But Satan has no power over me because I have victory in Jesus.

I can't begin to tell you all the emotional battles I've been engaged in this past week. One of them would sound like melodrama if I shared details. But it was scary. In other situations, the attacks were more subtle. I am most vulnerable through my emotions and I think somewhere in my body I must have an organ that manufactures and stores guilt. It feels at times like Satan taps into it for amunition. In the past, I have sometimes drawn back from doing something God put on my heart out of a fear of hurting or upsetting someone. I tend to make idols of other people when it comes to my fear of anyone being upset with me. This is an easy weapon that can be formed against me. I am susceptible to manipulation through this part of my personality.

I feel like God has given me an assignment. It's not an easy one and there are times I wish He hadn't chosen me for this task. Especially this week. But I have also realized just this week that God chose me and has been equipping me for this assignment decades prior to the calling. So many things are falling into place for me; in my mind and heart. God is walking me through my entire life right now as I write my personal testimony. And yesterday God inspired me to write one of the most painful chapters. I got up yesterday morning with clarity on what God was leading me to. And I wrote with such intensity that after five hours at my laptop, my head felt like it was going to split wide open. But I also had peace. I am thankful that I know where fear and anxiety come from. And I know where my peace comes from. That knowledge helps me to differentiate between the conflicting messages in my head.

I'm also thankful that God has given me such a strong and supportive husband. I told John last night that without his constant support and encouragement, I don't think I could do this. Sometimes I fear embarrassing him (and others). I fear hurting people and making them uncomfortable. God knows that it is not in my heart to hurt a single person; especially someone I love deeply. This is the hardest part of my calling. In order to help people, I am going to cause pain and discomfort for others. That is absolute agony for me. But I know that if I help even one person, it will be worth any amount of pain I endure in the process.

I guess it's fairly obvious how much I need your prayers right now.

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