More from "Respectable Sins"
In our small group, we are reading three chapters a week of "Respectable Sins: Confronting the sins we tolerate." I just finished chapters 13, 14 and 15. These chapters speak to our lack of self-control, our impatience and irritability, and our anger. I think I will condense my comments on all three into one post this week, beginning with this paragraph from chapter 14:
Now, let me remind you, as I do in almost all the chapters, that this is a book about our "respectable" sins, the sins we tolerate in our lives while we condemn the more flagrant sins of society around us. May we be as severe with ourselves over our own subtle sins as we are with the vile sins we condemn in others. May we not be like the self-righteous Pharisee in the temple who prayed, "God, I thank you that I am not like other men" but may we continually have the humble attitude of the tax collector who said, "God, be merciful to me, a sinner." (Luke 18:11-13).
In chapter 13, Bridges defines self-control and illustrates how our own self-control is different from Biblical self-control, which is not a product of our own natural will-power but a fruit of the Spirit. Biblical self-control, he writes, "covers every area of life and requires an unceasing conflict with the passions of the flesh that wage war against our souls (see 1 Peter 2:11). This self-control is dependent on the influence and enablement of the Holy Spirit. It requires continual exposure of our mind to the words of God and continual prayer for the Holy Spirit to give us both the desire and power to exercise self-control..."
Bridges focuses on three areas where many Christians commonly fail to exercise self-control. These are 1) eating and drinking, 2) temper, and 3) personal finances. He gave some additional examples to these three, such as spending inordinate amounts of time at a computer or in front of the television, impulse buying, hobbies, sports, etc.
Clearly, we can all recognize some area of our life where we lack the spiritual fruit of self-control. I am certainly prone to spending too much time on the computer, impulse buying, and eating too much simply for the pleasure I derive from food. Just because I spend enough time working out to burn off some of the outward evidence of my lack of self-control doesn't mean I'm not guilty of over-indulging. It simply means that I have developed self-discipline in an alternate area to compensate for my lack of self-discipline in controlling what I eat. But Biblical self-control is not selective. I seldom think about this as a spiritual issue. It seems small in comparison to other more serious sins; but as Bridges points out in this chapter, a lack of self-control often leads to other sins in our lives.
I was really touched by the example Bridges gave in chapter 14 on the subject of impatience and irritability. He told of a pastor friend of his who was visiting the home of a greatly respected and loved couple in his church. He wrote that this couple had consistently invested their lives in others. The husband, at this time, had terminal cancer and died shortly thereafter. During this visit, the pastor asked the couple how they were doing spiritually. With tears in her eyes, the wife responded this way:
"We're doing well as far as the cancer is concerned. But what I can't handle is our sin. After all these years, and especially in this situation, you would think we wouldn't still hurt and wound each other, but we do. And this is what I can't handle. I can handle the cancer, but I can't handle my sinful flesh."
I'm sure this tenderhearted woman was thinking of impatient words and irritability. Stress in our lives often provides the occasion for these kinds of sins and a lowered threshold for emotional responses. I know that when my own mother was dying of cancer, it didn't always bring out the best in us, as a family or as individuals. You would think such an occasion would draw all family members closer. That's what I thought. And it should. But we often, instead, get caught up in our own pain and, as a result, our responses to others reflect our selfishness.
Bridges defines impatience as "a strong sense of annoyance at the (usually) unintentional faults and failures of others" and that this impatience "is often expressed verbally in a way that tends to humiliate the person (or persons) who is the object of the impatience." He explains that impatience and irritability are closely related and elaborates further that while "impatience is a strong sense of annoyance or exasperation, irritability, as I define it, describes the frequency of impatience, or the ease with which a person can become impatient over the slightest provocation. The person who easily and frequently becomes impatient is an irritable person..." He writes that we may also be the type of person who doesn't respond verbally at all, but inwardly we seethe and resent the person who has vented his or her impatience on us. This is also a sinful response.
The subject of anger is a huge and complex issue, beyond the purpose of the book. So Bridges chooses to focus on that aspect of anger that we unconsciously treat as "acceptable" sin. He first deals with "righteous anger" and explains how to determine if our anger is indeed righteous. "First, righteous anger arises from an accurate perception of true evil--that is, as a violation of God's moral law. It focuses on God and His will, not on me and my will. Second, righteous anger is always self-controlled. It never causes one to lose his temper or retaliate in some vengeful way."
Bridges also explains that in facing up to our anger, "we need to realize that no one else causes us to be angry. Someone else's words or actions may become the occasion of our anger, but the cause lies deep within us--usually our pride, or selfishness, or desire to control...We may become angry because someone has mistreated us in some way...Why? It's likely because our reputation or our character has been questioned. Again the cause is our pride."
So much of our anger, as well as our impatience and irritability, lies in our expectations of others. When people fail to meet our expectations (as they always will), we are impatient, irritable and sometimes even angry. "In all of these instances," writes Bridges, "the cause of the anger is selfishness..."
Bridges suggests what our response should be to situations of unjust treatment resulting in an occasion for anger. He poses several questions we should ask ourselves, while acknowledging that in the emotional heat of the moment, "we are not going to go through a checklist of questions...But in the after moments of a difficult episode, we can choose to continue to hold on to our anger, or we can reflect on such questions...and allow the Holy Spirit to dissolve our anger." Recognizing that we all get angry from time to time, whether we internalize or externalize it: "The issue is how we handle it."
Here are the questions he suggests we ask of ourselves: "How would God have me respond in this situation? How can I best glorify God by my response? Do I believe that this difficult situation or this unjust treatment is under the sovereign control of God and that in His infinite wisdom and goodness He is using these difficult circumstances to conform me more to the likeness of Christ? (see Romans 8:28; Hebrews 12:4-11)."
Bridges reminds his readers of the words of Paul:
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)
Bridges ends this chapter by addressing the issue of our anger toward God and writes,
What are we to say to people who are desperately hurting and feel that God has let them down or is even against them? Is it okay to be angry toward God? Most pop psychology would answer yes. "Just vent your feelings toward God." I've even read the statement, "It's okay to be angry at God. He's a big boy. He can handle it." In my judgment, that is sheer blasphemy.
Let me make a statement loud and clear. It is never okay to be angry at God. Anger is a moral judgment, and in the case of God, it accuses Him of wrongdoing. It accuses God of sinning against us by neglecting us or in some way treating us unfairly. It also is often a response to our thinking that God owes us a better deal in life than we are getting. As a result, we put God in the dock of our own courtroom. I think of a man who, as his mother was dying of cancer, said, "After all she's done for God, this is the thanks she gets." Never mind that Jesus suffered untold agony to pay for her sins..."
Bridges points out with this example how we so quickly look past Jesus' sacrifice for us, how He purchased and ransomed us through the shedding of His blood and secured for us an eternity with Him, instead focusing on how God also owes us "a better life on this earth."
The only way to deal with our temptation to be angry at God is through "a well-grounded trust in the sovereignty, wisdom, and love of God." And we must "bring our confusion and perplexity to God in a humble, trusting way" always remembering that our God is a forgiving God and even our anger toward Him, which is sin, "was paid for by Christ in His death on the cross."
I'm glad Bridges addressed this issue because I have heard people say it's okay to be angry at God and I haven't always spoken up, but I disagreed within my own heart. I could not have articulated my viewpoint as eloquently as Bridges did. But his words were powerful. Anger toward God is a moral judgment of God.
I have never thought I had a right to be angry with God. I have asked Him why something couldn't be different or how I found myself in certain circumstances (when I did not feel I deserved them). But I have never felt entitled to answers or that God owed me anything at all. I have been given so much more than I could ever deserve. And that would be still be true if my physical life ended tomorrow. I have heard people say, in frustration, "Well, if this is what I get for serving God all these years" and my skin crawls. I don't ever want to be so presumptuous toward God as to feel He owes me something better than He has provided.
I can understand how people who have suffered great injustice, especially at the hands of spiritual leaders, might be tempted to question God or wonder why He did not protect them. I don't know how angry I might be if I had suffered certain abuses. But I am still convicted that we must not direct our anger at God in these situations. He is the One who will right every wrong. Jesus loved us so much that He chose to leave His glory in heaven with the Father to come to this earth, suffer and die for us. He knows what it's like to live in this flesh and suffer the rejection and injustice of humanity. He did that so that He could intercede for us. He already had the glory of heaven. He suffered everything that we could be forgiven and share in His glory and Sonship. How can I not try to glorify Him in my own suffering? When I feel rejected by someone, I try to remind myself that Jesus knows a much greater rejection; the rejection of His own creation.
Sometimes I have a hard time ending a post. This is one of those times when I could just keep writing and writing.
Now, let me remind you, as I do in almost all the chapters, that this is a book about our "respectable" sins, the sins we tolerate in our lives while we condemn the more flagrant sins of society around us. May we be as severe with ourselves over our own subtle sins as we are with the vile sins we condemn in others. May we not be like the self-righteous Pharisee in the temple who prayed, "God, I thank you that I am not like other men" but may we continually have the humble attitude of the tax collector who said, "God, be merciful to me, a sinner." (Luke 18:11-13).
In chapter 13, Bridges defines self-control and illustrates how our own self-control is different from Biblical self-control, which is not a product of our own natural will-power but a fruit of the Spirit. Biblical self-control, he writes, "covers every area of life and requires an unceasing conflict with the passions of the flesh that wage war against our souls (see 1 Peter 2:11). This self-control is dependent on the influence and enablement of the Holy Spirit. It requires continual exposure of our mind to the words of God and continual prayer for the Holy Spirit to give us both the desire and power to exercise self-control..."
Bridges focuses on three areas where many Christians commonly fail to exercise self-control. These are 1) eating and drinking, 2) temper, and 3) personal finances. He gave some additional examples to these three, such as spending inordinate amounts of time at a computer or in front of the television, impulse buying, hobbies, sports, etc.
Clearly, we can all recognize some area of our life where we lack the spiritual fruit of self-control. I am certainly prone to spending too much time on the computer, impulse buying, and eating too much simply for the pleasure I derive from food. Just because I spend enough time working out to burn off some of the outward evidence of my lack of self-control doesn't mean I'm not guilty of over-indulging. It simply means that I have developed self-discipline in an alternate area to compensate for my lack of self-discipline in controlling what I eat. But Biblical self-control is not selective. I seldom think about this as a spiritual issue. It seems small in comparison to other more serious sins; but as Bridges points out in this chapter, a lack of self-control often leads to other sins in our lives.
I was really touched by the example Bridges gave in chapter 14 on the subject of impatience and irritability. He told of a pastor friend of his who was visiting the home of a greatly respected and loved couple in his church. He wrote that this couple had consistently invested their lives in others. The husband, at this time, had terminal cancer and died shortly thereafter. During this visit, the pastor asked the couple how they were doing spiritually. With tears in her eyes, the wife responded this way:
"We're doing well as far as the cancer is concerned. But what I can't handle is our sin. After all these years, and especially in this situation, you would think we wouldn't still hurt and wound each other, but we do. And this is what I can't handle. I can handle the cancer, but I can't handle my sinful flesh."
I'm sure this tenderhearted woman was thinking of impatient words and irritability. Stress in our lives often provides the occasion for these kinds of sins and a lowered threshold for emotional responses. I know that when my own mother was dying of cancer, it didn't always bring out the best in us, as a family or as individuals. You would think such an occasion would draw all family members closer. That's what I thought. And it should. But we often, instead, get caught up in our own pain and, as a result, our responses to others reflect our selfishness.
Bridges defines impatience as "a strong sense of annoyance at the (usually) unintentional faults and failures of others" and that this impatience "is often expressed verbally in a way that tends to humiliate the person (or persons) who is the object of the impatience." He explains that impatience and irritability are closely related and elaborates further that while "impatience is a strong sense of annoyance or exasperation, irritability, as I define it, describes the frequency of impatience, or the ease with which a person can become impatient over the slightest provocation. The person who easily and frequently becomes impatient is an irritable person..." He writes that we may also be the type of person who doesn't respond verbally at all, but inwardly we seethe and resent the person who has vented his or her impatience on us. This is also a sinful response.
The subject of anger is a huge and complex issue, beyond the purpose of the book. So Bridges chooses to focus on that aspect of anger that we unconsciously treat as "acceptable" sin. He first deals with "righteous anger" and explains how to determine if our anger is indeed righteous. "First, righteous anger arises from an accurate perception of true evil--that is, as a violation of God's moral law. It focuses on God and His will, not on me and my will. Second, righteous anger is always self-controlled. It never causes one to lose his temper or retaliate in some vengeful way."
Bridges also explains that in facing up to our anger, "we need to realize that no one else causes us to be angry. Someone else's words or actions may become the occasion of our anger, but the cause lies deep within us--usually our pride, or selfishness, or desire to control...We may become angry because someone has mistreated us in some way...Why? It's likely because our reputation or our character has been questioned. Again the cause is our pride."
So much of our anger, as well as our impatience and irritability, lies in our expectations of others. When people fail to meet our expectations (as they always will), we are impatient, irritable and sometimes even angry. "In all of these instances," writes Bridges, "the cause of the anger is selfishness..."
Bridges suggests what our response should be to situations of unjust treatment resulting in an occasion for anger. He poses several questions we should ask ourselves, while acknowledging that in the emotional heat of the moment, "we are not going to go through a checklist of questions...But in the after moments of a difficult episode, we can choose to continue to hold on to our anger, or we can reflect on such questions...and allow the Holy Spirit to dissolve our anger." Recognizing that we all get angry from time to time, whether we internalize or externalize it: "The issue is how we handle it."
Here are the questions he suggests we ask of ourselves: "How would God have me respond in this situation? How can I best glorify God by my response? Do I believe that this difficult situation or this unjust treatment is under the sovereign control of God and that in His infinite wisdom and goodness He is using these difficult circumstances to conform me more to the likeness of Christ? (see Romans 8:28; Hebrews 12:4-11)."
Bridges reminds his readers of the words of Paul:
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)
Bridges ends this chapter by addressing the issue of our anger toward God and writes,
What are we to say to people who are desperately hurting and feel that God has let them down or is even against them? Is it okay to be angry toward God? Most pop psychology would answer yes. "Just vent your feelings toward God." I've even read the statement, "It's okay to be angry at God. He's a big boy. He can handle it." In my judgment, that is sheer blasphemy.
Let me make a statement loud and clear. It is never okay to be angry at God. Anger is a moral judgment, and in the case of God, it accuses Him of wrongdoing. It accuses God of sinning against us by neglecting us or in some way treating us unfairly. It also is often a response to our thinking that God owes us a better deal in life than we are getting. As a result, we put God in the dock of our own courtroom. I think of a man who, as his mother was dying of cancer, said, "After all she's done for God, this is the thanks she gets." Never mind that Jesus suffered untold agony to pay for her sins..."
Bridges points out with this example how we so quickly look past Jesus' sacrifice for us, how He purchased and ransomed us through the shedding of His blood and secured for us an eternity with Him, instead focusing on how God also owes us "a better life on this earth."
The only way to deal with our temptation to be angry at God is through "a well-grounded trust in the sovereignty, wisdom, and love of God." And we must "bring our confusion and perplexity to God in a humble, trusting way" always remembering that our God is a forgiving God and even our anger toward Him, which is sin, "was paid for by Christ in His death on the cross."
I'm glad Bridges addressed this issue because I have heard people say it's okay to be angry at God and I haven't always spoken up, but I disagreed within my own heart. I could not have articulated my viewpoint as eloquently as Bridges did. But his words were powerful. Anger toward God is a moral judgment of God.
I have never thought I had a right to be angry with God. I have asked Him why something couldn't be different or how I found myself in certain circumstances (when I did not feel I deserved them). But I have never felt entitled to answers or that God owed me anything at all. I have been given so much more than I could ever deserve. And that would be still be true if my physical life ended tomorrow. I have heard people say, in frustration, "Well, if this is what I get for serving God all these years" and my skin crawls. I don't ever want to be so presumptuous toward God as to feel He owes me something better than He has provided.
I can understand how people who have suffered great injustice, especially at the hands of spiritual leaders, might be tempted to question God or wonder why He did not protect them. I don't know how angry I might be if I had suffered certain abuses. But I am still convicted that we must not direct our anger at God in these situations. He is the One who will right every wrong. Jesus loved us so much that He chose to leave His glory in heaven with the Father to come to this earth, suffer and die for us. He knows what it's like to live in this flesh and suffer the rejection and injustice of humanity. He did that so that He could intercede for us. He already had the glory of heaven. He suffered everything that we could be forgiven and share in His glory and Sonship. How can I not try to glorify Him in my own suffering? When I feel rejected by someone, I try to remind myself that Jesus knows a much greater rejection; the rejection of His own creation.
Sometimes I have a hard time ending a post. This is one of those times when I could just keep writing and writing.
Comments
I am curious to know what Bridges has to say about individuals in abusive relationships. The portion you quoted,
"Someone else's words or actions may become the occasion of our anger, but the cause lies deep within us--usually our pride, or selfishness, or desire to control...We may become angry because someone has mistreated us in some way...Why? It's likely because our reputation or our character has been questioned. Again the cause is our pride."
I struggle with these words because I see individuals in abusive situations who do not get agitated enough to do something about that relationship. Several individuals I know who have left such relationships have done so because they have finally gotten angry at the way they were being treated. In a sense, their personhood was being lost to their abuser.
As you well know, I'm all for losing oneself to and in God, but I would struggle to support Bridges assertion in this matter. Such an invective against becoming angry has been used to keep abusers in power for far too long.
Is there perhaps more to his assertions that you did not have room to offer?
Alice in PA
Bridges explains that this chapter is intended to address the sinful anger we all tolerate in our daily lives. You have to take his comments in context with the theme and purpose of the book. This isn't a book about how to respond to an abuser.
The biblical response to abuse is to confront an abuser in love, not to quietly submit to ungodly behavior. Enabling someone to behave in a destructive and ungodly way is not loving them. Trying not to rock the boat is self-protecting. But even in a response to abuse, the biblical response would not be sinful anger. It would be loving the person enough to confront their ungodly behavior rather than accept and enable it. Sometimes this type of confrontation will result in a restored relationship. But other times, confroting an abuser will end the relationship. Nevertheless, it is still not God's will for us to enable ungodly behavior.
Based on what I've read, I'm sure Bridges would agree. But this book doesn't address the subject of abuse. That would be a book in itself, and not a short chapter in a book on the sins we tolerate and overlook in our lives.
When we know people in abusive situations, it's easy to have those situations in the front of our minds as we read any kind of instruction and either misapply it or reject it because it doesn't seem to fit that extreme situation. Abuse is a subject in itself. These words are directed at selfish, sinful anger and not to a victim of abuse.
While reading The Excellent Wife with a small group of wives, I was fully aware so many times of the exploitation that could result for a lot of women (in certain types of relationships with certain types of men) from following those biblical principles. But that does not change the fact that they are still biblical principles. Toward the end of the book, that author addressed abuse and advised that if a woman was being abused, God expected her to confront ungodly behavior in love and not submit to it. If she was not heard by the spouse, she was to go to the elders of her church and even to the proper authorities and hold the abuser accountable. In no circumstances would it be God's will to accept ungodly behavior.
Based on a lifetime of learning, I agree that the biblical response to an abuser is to confront them in love and not to enable them. I do not believe a woman should tolerate abuse. But sinful anger is not the right motivation. As Christians, our motive should be love. I'm certainly not saying this is easy to do. But it should be the goal of a Christian.
Bridges makes it clear that there is such a thing as righteous anger. But righteous anger is not self-serving. Righteous anger would be demonstrated by confronting wrong behavior with the desire to see the abuser repent and a relationship restored. Obviously, this will not happen in all cases. But when following biblical principles, the goal is a pure heart, to love as God loves, and to glorify God in all of our circumstances; not necessarily to get the end result we desire.
I have learned that I have to leave the outcome to God and trust Him that He is working all things for my good. If my trust is fully in Him, I am free to live a life of obedience to Him and not live in fear of how I might be exploited by doing so.
I don't agree that the right motive for fleeing abuse is getting angry about lost personhood. I think the goal, as a Christian, is to be motivated by love in every situation. In a case of abuse, we must love the abuser enough to confront their behavior and not contribute to their self-destruction by enabling them. Enabling is the coward's way. Enabling is the self-loving way (trying to avoid someone else's anger and protect myself at all cost). And let me make it clear that I indict myself with that statement. In my desire to be loved and valued, I have enabled many times. But there is a difference in confronting in love and confronting in self-love. I am not an advocate of self-love. I don't think that's the Gospel. I know you probably disagree with me on this. And that's okay.
Thanks for the thoughtful comments!
He stated it this way:
"...[C]omplexity will mandate our service, without insisting that things turn out a certain way: we learn to trust and obey and leave the results to God, for we learn from both Scripture and history that sometimes faithfulness leads to awakening and reformation, sometimes to persecution and violence, and sometimes to both."