New Subject

I have to admit that the last discussion took a lot out of me. I'm trying to think of a way to lighten things up. But I've had a tough day and I don't exactly feel light hearted. So I don't see that happening tonight. This will probably be one of those rambling posts about whatever hits my mind as I type.

My small group is getting ready to start a new book next week. We'll see if there's any food for thought. I think it may be more of a fun book than deeply thought provoking. But one never knows.

I had to go back to Nashville today for some additional x-rays or digital imaging, whatever they call it now, just to make sure everything was okay. And it turned out that I'm in the clear for another year. But I sat in a waiting room for two and a half hours on a day when I woke up not feeling my absolute best to begin with. Good thing I thought to take a book with me.

I read the first four chapters of Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis while I waited. It's a book I have always wanted to read. It's a little hard to get into at first, but the further I got, the more I understood why there was so much ground work laid in the beginning. I look forward to reading the rest of it and hopefully there will be some writing inspiration that will come further along.

I have been feeling the need to be on my knees more and putting myself in a position of reverence and humility before God. I pray when I wake up in the middle of the night. I say lots of spontaneous prayers throughout the day, when someone comes to my mind who is in need. I live in a constant state of gratefulness and thanksgiving to God for His goodness and faithfulness in my life. But I am so very undisciplined when it comes to regularly getting down on my knees. And that bothers me. I was feeling emotional today and in need of God's peace. I felt so unworthy that He would even listen to me, but I got on my knees and really poured my heart out to Him. As a result, I have more peace than I had earlier in the day. Oh, what peace we often forfeit...

One of the things I asked God was to direct my writing and to help me keep this an uplifting and encouraging blog to read. I don't want to have a personal agenda in writing. Yes, the blog will reflect my thoughts and emotions because all a blog really is is a public journal. But I want every aspect of my life to glorify my Savior, including what I write here. I take seriously my role as an ambassdor of His Kingdom in the earth. I want to be salt and light. I want to point others to Jesus and to the Gospel every day.

I am so desperately in need of God's grace on a daily basis. I am so aware of how horribly deficient I am and how inadequate my best efforts are in comparison to God's holiness. I loved what Danny wrote on his blog recently (it may have been a quote) about how God doesn't need us, but He lets us participate in His plan. It's kind of like letting a two-year-old help bake cookies, if you really think about it. We probably get in God's way a hundred times more than we actually help Him. But He wants to include us and our desire to cooperate and work with Him pleases Him. Not because we have so much to offer, but because He loves us even in our weakness. He saved us for His glory, not for ours.

I love it when Joshua says, "Grandma Shari, play trains with me," or "Grandma Shari, play hockey with me." I just love it that he wants to be with me. I don't know if that's how God feels when we turn our attention to Him. It's sometimes hard for me to imagine that my paying attention to God would mean anything to Him. I feel so insignificant, like a little speck of nothing in this world. It is so hard to comprehend His love for me or why He would love me enough to give His Son for my ransom. I see nothing in myself that would be of any value to Him. Anything good in me is only a result of His mercy and the investment of His grace in my life. I pray that one day I can hear Him say, "Well done, my faithful servant."

One thing my pastor has really made me aware of is that I will stand before God one day to be judged. I will give an account for my life and my choices. I know it's not a judgment for heaven or hell because of my faith in Christ. But I want to so live my life that I can look forward to that day and live in anticipation of seeing God's smile. I no longer fear not seeing Him. I just want to make Him smile.

Comments

Shari said…
PS
I got an email asking me if I was okay because I sounded a little depressed in this post.

I have been a little melancholy today, but I am not depressed. What 48 year old woman doesn't have melancholy days? I think some of it is probably biological, if you know what I mean. But I just write from my heart; wherever that takes me. I don't mind anyone knowing I have tough days sometimes.

I have done too much worrying today. Worrying about things I can't control. Worrying about my blog having any negative impact on other people. Worrying that I am not "measuring up" as I should. It's just one of those kinds of days. Thankfully, I don't have them often and they don't last. I'll wake up tomorrow feeling good as new. : ) God has used this melancholy day to speak to me and that makes it all so worthwhile!!!
Janette said…
Shari, you have A LOT on your plate emotionally right now, much more-so than you're sharing so under the circumstances, I'd say you're holding up amazingly well.

If you're down, you're down and I hope you'll share that so we can help lift you up.

And your blog has provided so much food for thought and inspiration in my life and walk with the Lord that I woulnd't regret one single post. Even the subjects that are a little bit harder to trudge through turn out to be very beneficial. At least for me.

Thank you once again for providing a place to read, think, grow, disagree, and communicate about our individual walks, recoveries, and revelations of the true Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I love you...
Shari said…
Thanks, Janette. I love you too! And I'm feeling better today.

I know that not everyone reading this will agree with everything I write. But when my friend from PA added her comment about the blogosphere, in the frame of mind I was in, I let it put the weight of the world on me. I thought, "Okay, now I'm responsible for anyone in cyberspace who happens to accidentally find my little blog." It was just a fragile moment.

What a lot of people don't know about me is how very hard on myself I can be. It takes the smallest comment to trigger a whole day of beating up on myself. I said previously that I'm not sure why I do this, but I actually do know that it has everything to do with my past and all the different settings in which I felt that I could never be good enough. It seems as though I am programmed to feel like a bad/worthless person if I make a mistake. But the silver lining is that I am learning to preach the gospel to myself in those moments.

I am very comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I don't mind anyone knowing I'm down or having a hard day. And it certainly goes without saying I'm imperfect and inadequate. : )

I appreciate your words of encouragement!
Anonymous said…
Shari
Don't ever apologize for expressing
your emotions. It is what makes you
who you are. Beautiful inside and out.
I am writing an essay on The
Dangers of Religious Cults and it is wiping me out. I read your last blog but was too emotional drained to comment. Always know that I love this blog. I love that we can share our thoughts and feelings even if they differ from each other and know that we are in the company of good friends who love us.
Thank you for being who you are.
Shari said…
Rachel,

You will probably never know how much it meant to me to read your words. Thank you so much for what you wrote.

I worked at Stein Mart today, then had to stop at Publix on the way home. So I haven't been on the computer all day. I can't tell you how nice it was to come home to your comments!

I love you very much!
DeeDee said…
Shari, it is unimagionable to me that you would beat yourself up like you do. How can you be so strong and yet so vulnerable? You are a paradox to me. However, I love how your vulnerability tempers your strength and keeps you earthbound so you can still relate to this screwed up human being. ;-) If you ever changed, I'd be devastated. I luv you soooooooooooooo much!

Rachel, will I ever get a chance to read your essay? Are you going to post it somewhere?
DD
Shari said…
Thanks, Dee Dee. I love you so much, too. And I value your friendship. I think I am far more vulnerable and insecure than I am strong. So your viewing me as a paradox is a definite compliment. : )

Rachel, I was going to ask if I could read your paper when you finish it, too! Writing is very therapeutic, no matter how emotionally draining. I think it's so neat that you have gone back to school. It's one of the best things I have ever done for myself and it was such a wonderful experience.
Janette said…
I want to read it too! Rachel, what are you studying? I absolutely LOVE everything about school and plan to be a student for the rest of my life. Not because I want to become a collector of degrees but I so enjoy learning. I'm sure you feel the same way. :) Miss you Rachel! Tell Tim and your parents I said hello and give them a big hug from me.