What a difference a day makes...

Yesterday was a hard one. I fought melancholy and intermittent tears off and on all day. I think it was sadder because of eight weeks at home. No activity to distract me from my emotions. But another Mother's Day is behind me. And it's almost funny how even that makes me feel lighter. 



This is me ... pulling my hair back and vowing to run my race in victory. I'm back to overcoming and moving forward thoughts today. None of us ever know how close we may be to the finish. But I'm focused on keeping my pace and moving in the right direction. I appreciate the loving words I received yesterday while I was feeling low.

My mom was 49, and I was 28 when I lost her. I don't "hate" Mother's Day. In fact, I love seeing mothers being celebrated by their children. But the day has always been a reminder of all the years I missed out on with my own mom. Years that I am sure would have been filled with new discoveries about each other, including our similarities. I believe time would have brought us closer, deepening our understanding and acceptance of our differences. I grieve the maturation of our relationship being cut short ... so short. I grieve that I wasn't able to fully articulate to her just how much I admire her the way I would be able to if she were here today. I always knew she was strong. But I needed to live more of life to understand and appreciate just how strong she was; just how much she loved me. That's partly because I was focused on myself and my struggles.

I have so much to say to my mom at 61. I want to laugh with her and cry on her shoulder. I'm sure she'd still be giving me unsolicited advice. But I think I'd be much more tolerant of that now. The older you get, the less you have to prove to anyone. And that would have helped ME to just embrace her for who she was instead of who I thought I needed her to be. 

She's not here to be celebrated. And how I wish she was. How I wish all her grandchildren could be knowing and loving her.

I believe I will have the opportunity, plus all of eternity, to express my heart to her. And I also believe she already knows. Sometimes it feels like she's just stepped into another room, another realm, but isn't far away from me. 

I love those times when I feel her presence. And sometimes I even see her looking back at me in the mirror. 

I'm thankful for the strengths she passed down to me. She lived a life of faith, gratitude, resilience, forgiveness and compassion. She had a big heart for others. And she saw the best in people. I remember how she worried about my ex-husband spending a holiday by himself after we divorced the first time. She asked me if she could invite him to dinner to be kind. She didn't think we should get back together, but that didn't stop her from loving him. I said no. But I loved that about her. And she made me proud to be her daughter.

I love you, Mom! I'm glad Mother's Day is over. It's not a joyful day for me. But I celebrate YOU with every thought of you.