While we collectively hold our breath...

There have been many memes on social media this month that have made me think and made me laugh. I think this may be my favorite, though... ---->

Over the past two weeks of self-isolating, I have probably watched too much news coverage and streamed too many shows. But I have also cooked more delicious meals than ever and found ways to bless others without leaving my house.

I have donated to nurses working without PPE. I have supported small business. I have sent little unexpected surprises. I've cooked and baked for others, as well as John. And I have been able to PayPal a little cash here and there to people I've been worried about. 

Yes, we have financial worries too. 

I have watched my husband pray his way through the stress of being a business owner ever since I first met him, but this is a time of uncharted waters (for everyone) and it brings with it unprecedented stress. However, we have had conversations about this not being a time to hoard resources. If God is our provider (and He is), we demonstrate our faith by continuing to give rather than trying to hold everything we have tightly in our own hands (including TP). God will supply our needs. He always has.

I was having physical stress symptoms last week. Wednesday was my roughest day. The most stressful aspect of this, for me, has been the people who were and are so intent upon dismissing this as nothing but hype and no more serious than the flu. There has been a lot of that in the area we live in. Many criticized our governor for being proactive. He asked everyone in the state to self-isolate while we had only a few confirmed cases and no deaths. But I was thankful for his wisdom. I remember my dad telling me as I was growing up that the smartest people learn from the mistakes of others. Those "not so smart" have to learn everything the hard way; from their own personal experience.  Our governor may have spared us from the worst case scenario -- in spite of those foolish and selfish individuals who seem intent on taking the hard way.

On my worst day, I clashed with friends on Facebook and I clashed with my husband at home. We were both on edge. Even greater than our business stress and the weight of decisions John must make during this crisis is the concern for his health. He has had a compromised immune system since diagnosis of chronic lymphocytic leukemia in 2007. He's also received multiple treatments over the course of his CLL journey, which weaken the immune system. And we are both in the "advanced risk age category." 

I knew early on that we would have to take this seriously even if others did not. I challenged people who were embracing the "just chill out" response. I've wondered at what point some of those people might look back and realize Covid-19 was not a political hoax and that I was not blowing concerns out of proportion, nor being controlled by fear and panic. I won't ask them, of course. But I knew long before our government was admitting it that this was going be a serious issue for our country. Even still, my imagination wasn't big enough for what is happening right now.

After a day of friction with my isolation buddy and best friend (aka my husband) due to external stress, we talked about our emotions, our triggers, what helps/doesn't help as we continue to walk through this experience as a team. I decided that I must withdraw from anyone who provokes or antagonizes me right now. Especially and specifically on social media. It's not personal. It's wisdom. There are stresses that cannot be eliminated. And then there are stresses that are completely unnecessary.

Interestingly enough, I noticed myself begin to rebound from where I was on Wednesday night to a much more peaceful acceptance of everything I cannot control ... which includes other people and their response to the pandemic. I still share things that are informational and interesting, but I've stopped worrying about those who choose denial. As long as we stay in our house and wipe down/disinfect what comes into the house, I feel safe in our protected surroundings for now.

Thursday morning, I began my day by texting numerous friends and just checking in to see how they were doing with all this. I know how good it feels to know someone is concerned about me and I hoped to remind some of my friends and family that I was concerned and thinking about them; praying for them. I wanted to give others a good start to the day, but it gave ME a positive and rewarding start to MY day. Staying in touch via social media is not the same as a personal conversation, even by text. And I am a person who needs connection. 

We are having a peaceful weekend. John and I are still opposites in the way we respond to and exist in this new normal. I want to tune in for every news conference and update in real time, plus watching some of the coverage. It makes me feel connected to the world around me while I'm living in isolation. I am not inclined toward disengagement. The situations in my life that have called for me to disengage (from people and/or circumstances) have always been the most challenging because it's not who I am or how I am wired. John, on the other hand, is almost my total opposite. You can find him watching Game Show Network and sports highlights instead of the news. But we have found a middle of the road. (And we also watch different things in different rooms at other times.) Part of being at peace is recognizing it's okay to be different and also not trying to control anyone but yourself. 

We do ourselves a huge favor when we learn to let go of control, whether that be circumstances or other people.

I've been making a point of consciously reminding myself of my many blessings on a daily basis. I'm thankful my husband is a man of deep faith who loves me the way God intended a husband to love his wife. Even when we strongly disagree about something, I know my feelings are more important to him than being right. And he knows the same is true for me. We're human and we may be short with each other under stress. But it won't escalate or create walls between us. We are both committed to that and always have been. He is one of my greatest blessings and I'm thankful I have him to isolate with. I'm thankful God has preserved his health through every other bump in the road we've faced. And I have confidence in God's ability to do that through this pandemic. I am also thankful John is using wisdom in staying home.

I'm thankful for my home, running water, a water heater, a shower I can stand under while I pray, enough food to eat, a comfortable bed, even the cable television I'm watching too much of for both information and distraction. I'm thankful for friends. I'm thankful for business colleagues who care about us personally, not just professionally. 

We don't have family in WV. But Josh and Brandi have insisted on picking up whatever groceries and supplies we need for the duration of this stay-at-home situation, protecting us from going into stores. Items are dropped to our porch or garage. And I sanitize everything before bringing it into the house. In return, I make extra of things like chili, lasagna, cookies and cake, to put on the porch for them to pick up. (To anyone in my area reading this, please let me know if there's something you need that I can set on my porch for you.)

I've joked that I'm thankful to be an empty-nester right now and so thankful I am no one's home school teacher. It's easier to do this as a couple than as a larger family when it comes to meeting everyone's needs! Of that I am sure. My hat is off to moms and dads, as well as health care professionals and essential service workers. John said he saw a church sign that read: "Pray for marriages." We laughed about how we were no doubt not alone in having experienced heightened emotion and a little increase in friction. 

There are so many things to be thankful for in trying circumstances if we only focus on them above the worries and concerns. I've learned that most of the worst case scenarios I imagine never come to fruition. And anticipatory anxiety is often worse than facing the challenge itself as it comes. This is another opportunity to lean into my favorite scripture, which is Romans 8:28, and the two words I like to add at the end...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

EVEN THIS.