Either way, we'll be remembered...
Yesterday I bookmarked something in my Bob Goff devotional, Live in Grace, Walk in Love, that I wanted to explore in my writing. This morning I started listening to a short audible by James Taylor about his early years. And he said something that resonated with the Bob Goff quote like a buttery chord on a twelve-string guitar. I instantly hit pause and came to my keyboard to write.
Let me stop here and share both quotes.
"We can confront people with their failures or surround them with our love. Either way, we'll be remembered." ~ Bob Goff
"Memory is tricky. We remember how it felt, not necessarily how it was." ~ James Taylor
These two quotes resonate deeply in my well of personal experience. Hopefully my thoughts will come together in writing as well as the two quotes do in my mind.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how to be a healing person rather than a triggering person in my relationships. I think the reality is that we are all probably both at different times, depending on the relationship and the circumstance. But more specifically, I have been thinking about relationships where the two parties do not share the same memory/perception of the past or the relationship. How do we honor and show genuine empathy for someone else's pain while sincerely disagreeing with their interpretation of past events? This can be even more challenging when one feels unfairly attacked or disparaged by the person whose feelings they don't want to invalidate or dishonor. All too often, our default is to make it about who is right and who is wrong instead of just caring for each other's wounds.
When JT made the above statement about our memories being tricky and that we remember how something felt, not necessarily how it was, it was as if a missing piece was added to a 1,000 piece puzzle I am trying to solve in my own life. A person can remember feeling a certain way in regard to their relationship with us that we were unaware of -- and certainly didn't set out to cause. Because they felt that way does not mean it happened that way. And that does not make their feelings any less valid or important. But neither should those feelings fully define us as a person or define the fuller context of the relationship.
At the center of that tension is where we make peace with the past. I want to learn how to receive someone's negative feelings toward me with grace for the person ... and also for myself. I want to be remembered as the kind of person Bob Goff described who surrounds people with my love instead of confronting them with their failures. And when someone is bent on confronting me with my failures instead of surrounding me with their love, I want to consider there may be feelings they are contending with that I am unaware of -- possibly even some feelings that have nothing to do with me. I was just the trigger.
I remember a Tim Keller quote from one of his past sermons in which he said that we cannot justify ourselves AND be justified by Christ. It's one or the other.
If I played any role in someone's struggle, I want to love them more than I want to reject their perception of me. But in order to do that, I have to know who I am and that their perception does not define me. I have to be willing to both ask and offer forgiveness. But if someone is dishing up shame, disdain and condemnation, it's my responsibility to walk away from that serving line. It is not my responsibility to defend who I am or change their perception. My responsibility is to continue loving them.
We all get to choose for ourselves how we will be remembered; for confronting others with their failures or surrounding them with our love.
I know what I want to choose. How about you?
Let me stop here and share both quotes.
"We can confront people with their failures or surround them with our love. Either way, we'll be remembered." ~ Bob Goff
"Memory is tricky. We remember how it felt, not necessarily how it was." ~ James Taylor
These two quotes resonate deeply in my well of personal experience. Hopefully my thoughts will come together in writing as well as the two quotes do in my mind.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how to be a healing person rather than a triggering person in my relationships. I think the reality is that we are all probably both at different times, depending on the relationship and the circumstance. But more specifically, I have been thinking about relationships where the two parties do not share the same memory/perception of the past or the relationship. How do we honor and show genuine empathy for someone else's pain while sincerely disagreeing with their interpretation of past events? This can be even more challenging when one feels unfairly attacked or disparaged by the person whose feelings they don't want to invalidate or dishonor. All too often, our default is to make it about who is right and who is wrong instead of just caring for each other's wounds.
When JT made the above statement about our memories being tricky and that we remember how something felt, not necessarily how it was, it was as if a missing piece was added to a 1,000 piece puzzle I am trying to solve in my own life. A person can remember feeling a certain way in regard to their relationship with us that we were unaware of -- and certainly didn't set out to cause. Because they felt that way does not mean it happened that way. And that does not make their feelings any less valid or important. But neither should those feelings fully define us as a person or define the fuller context of the relationship.
At the center of that tension is where we make peace with the past. I want to learn how to receive someone's negative feelings toward me with grace for the person ... and also for myself. I want to be remembered as the kind of person Bob Goff described who surrounds people with my love instead of confronting them with their failures. And when someone is bent on confronting me with my failures instead of surrounding me with their love, I want to consider there may be feelings they are contending with that I am unaware of -- possibly even some feelings that have nothing to do with me. I was just the trigger.
I remember a Tim Keller quote from one of his past sermons in which he said that we cannot justify ourselves AND be justified by Christ. It's one or the other.
If I played any role in someone's struggle, I want to love them more than I want to reject their perception of me. But in order to do that, I have to know who I am and that their perception does not define me. I have to be willing to both ask and offer forgiveness. But if someone is dishing up shame, disdain and condemnation, it's my responsibility to walk away from that serving line. It is not my responsibility to defend who I am or change their perception. My responsibility is to continue loving them.
We all get to choose for ourselves how we will be remembered; for confronting others with their failures or surrounding them with our love.
I know what I want to choose. How about you?
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