Why does the truth hurt?

I am still plugging away at physical therapy. But I did not leave feeling like Rocky today. I left feeling like my old wimpy self.

Today was really hard. I had a different therapist. He is a really nice guy and he was "overseeing" my therapy up to this point. So I've gotten to know and like him. But last Friday was the last day for my previous therapist (the one who was working with me the most). So, today the "overseer" became the main therapist. And his style is a little different.

I had gotten to where I wasn't in quite as much intense pain during therapy. I was consistently making progress. And Daniel (the therapist who left) was able to push me a little further every single appointment. So I know he wasn't letting me slide or going easy on me because the therapy was always challenging. But I thought I had toughened up and was enduring the pain better than in the beginning. And that was encouraging to me. Daniel seemed to agree that I had gotten a little tougher. (I realize he might not have really thought I was, but he was convincing and it made me feel good nevertheless.)

Many times over the last few weeks, I have thought about how fortunate I was to be assigned to him. The first day I went in there, I was scared to death of both of them because of my previous bad experience with shoulder therapy (all pain/no gain). But in no time at all, I was working well with Daniel and he seemed to know when to back off. So I became more trusting and more relaxed in spite of knowing pain and discomfort were coming. I stopped dreading physical therapy.

Today was really difficult for me. I said that already, didn't I?

Don't misunderstand. Both therapists are great. I know they have to hurt me to help me. But I could tell I wasn't "trusting" John today the way I had grown to "trust" Daniel. I was trying, but I was apprehensive.

John has a dry sense of humor. And when he teases me, I am never quite sure he is teasing. For instance, feeling very self-conscious about my tears and lack of toughness, I said, "I thought I had toughened up, but maybe I haven't." And without missing a beat, John said, "That isn't your strongsuit. But if it hurts, it hurts." And then a little later I said, "I'm sorry I'm such a wimp." And John said, "I'm sorry, too." And he doesn't laugh when he says it. My inner affirmation seeker wants him to say, "You're not a wimp."

I was trying to explain this to John (my husband) tonight. I told him that part of me absolutely knows John (my therapist) is just kidding. But I left therapy this afternoon feeling down. John (my husband) laughed and said, "You can't personalize stuff like that." I agree. It's stupid. But I can't help it.

You feel so vulnerable and helpless when someone is twisting and pulling your arm in ways it does not want to go. You feel especially vulnerable when you're lying there crying like a baby, taking deep breaths (or forgetting to breathe entirely) because of the pain. How I wish I could show no emotion, make no sounds, produce no tears, etc. But I can't. So, taking all of that "truth" into consideration, why does the truth hurt my feelings? Truth is...

I am NOT physically tough. It is NOT my strongsuit.

So, if I can say it about myself, it shouldn't bother me for anyone else to say it. Right?
But it kind of does anyway.

I met someone the other day who is also going through physical therapy for frozen shoulder. She said, "I can take pain, but the pain of frozen shoulder is nauseating, it is so bad." It made me feel better to hear someone say that who does consider herself tough. Because only someone who has experienced this knows how painful it truly is. I know there are worse things, but that doesn't make it easier.

I told John this afternoon that I thought I had overcome my fear and dread of physical therapy. But I now think it's back. I'm sure he's right that I'll overcome it again.

But maybe not this week.

Oh man, I'm going to feel stupid for posting this later (when I'm feeling better).
But it's the truth of how I feel right now.