Heaven is the Face (by Steven Curtis Chapman)

I heard this song for the first time as John and I were driving to Sarah Cannon for round three of his chemotherapy this morning. SCC was being interviewed on the radio (the Fish) about the release of his album, "Beauty Will Rise." In the YouTube I posted above, SCC is explaining the background and the emotions that moved him to write it.

In the radio interview, he was describing the ache and the longing to see his little Maria in heaven. He even touched on the guilty feelings of those longings being such a high priority in his anticipation of heaven since losing his little girl. I could so relate and I know others can, too. How well I remember the first few years after I lost my mom so prematurely. My longing to see her was overwhelming and I experienced guilt because I knew I had not longed that intensely to see Him. It felt like my greatest desire for heaven was my mom. And I wondered how that made God feel.

Of course I couldn't hear this song without also reflecting on John losing Brittany, his eighteen-year-old daughter, to a fatal asthma attack in August of 2003. Neither of us said anything, but I wondered what he was feeling as we listened to the song. John knows SCC's pain in a way that I and many others cannot. My eyes were full of tears and I was sniffling. John asked, "Are you crying, dear?" And I nodded.

I guess I will never forget the first time I heard this song, since it also describes heaven as a place where there is no more cancer--or tears--and we just happened to be on our way to another round of chemo for John. When we got married six years ago, we had no idea that there would be a diagnosis like this in our immediate future. Just as Steven and Mary Beth had no idea what May 21, 2008 would hold for them.

Just like SCC described, I would have chosen NOT to walk this path. If it was within my power, I would zap John's CLL from our lives and he never would have received that diagnosis in 2007. My personal dream for the future was that we would go into assisted living together and be one of those darling old couples who is still holding hands and telling inside jokes up into their nineties. When we first got married, I would think about how many years of marriage we could have if we got to grow old together. We were forty-four and forty-nine when we got married. So I would count the years and think, "If we live to be eighty-four and eighty-nine, we could have a forty year marriage even marrying this late in life!"

There are so many things God ordains for our journey that we would not choose. But He always keeps His promise to work all things for our good. And I will never forget the summer afternoon after John was first diagnosed, when I was watering flowers on my back porch; crying and begging God to let John have the most benign form of CLL and never need treatment. I know He spoke to me that day. He told me not to put my faith in prognostic markers or even a certain outcome, but to put my faith in HIM and His promise that He was working all things for my good . . . even this. He reminded me that although there might come a day when I had to grieve, it was not now. He had not taken John and it was much too soon to start grieving. He didn't want me to give up my todays in order to dread some tomorrow that I might not even see.

I realized that God has ordained the number of all our days and with or without a diagnosis, I don't know how many days I have. I need to live--fully live--in the days I've been given. And from that time forward, I have gone to sleep many nights saying, "Thank You, God, for today. I know you did not have to give me such a wonderful husband and marriage. I'm so thankful You did."

As I sit here next to John while he receives treatment (he is dozing right now, so he can't see me blotting my eyes and nose with tissue as I type), I would most definitely choose not to be going through this. But my next thought is that if John has to go through this, I'm so glad God let me be right here beside him. That was God's doing. He doesn't remove pain or loss from our lives, but He gives us what we need to endure; His grace carries us through.

As I listened to SCC on the radio this morning, I also thought about just how significant his music has been in my spiritual journey. I will never forget hearing "Heaven is the Face" on our way to chemo this morning. It will be one of those special songs in my journey just like "King of the Jungle," "The Change" and "Remember Your Chains" have been (along with others). The first album of his I remember listening to repeatedly was "Heaven in the Real World." And in this morning's interview he mentioned playing some of those songs for his youngest daughters.

At a time in my life when it seemed like I couldn't figure out or make sense of anything, I remember listening to "King of the Jungle" over and over in my car. These lyrics had special significance for me:

What I feel is telling me I'm going crazy, but
What is real says God's still on His throne
What I need is to remember one thing
That the Lord of the gentle breeze is Lord of the rough and tumble
And He is King of the Jungle

And "Remember Your Chains" inspired the title of my book. The lyrics of the second verse and chorus were in the original manuscript of my book. I wrote about what that song meant to me at the end of the thirty-first chapter. I removed them because I was never able to make contact with the record label for permission to reprint them. But I'm sure I won't get into any trouble for sharing them with you on my blog.

There's no one more thankful to sit at the table
Than the one who best remembers hunger's pain
And no heart loves greater than the one that is able
To recall the time when all it knew was shame
The wings of forgiveness can take us to heights never seen
But the wisest ones, they will never lose sight of where they were set free

So, remember your chains
Remember the prison that once held you
Before the love of God broke through
Remember the place you were without grace
When you see where you are now
Remember your chains
And remember your chains are gone

If you don't know the details of my testimony, you will understand why those lyrics are so profoundly meaningful to me when you read my book.

I don't know the Chapmans personally, although my son does. He has told me many times what a genuine and wonderful Christian family they are. I often read Mary Beth's blog and I feel like I know her heart through her writing. She is so open and inspiring. I admire her transparency; especially as she is a public person. Many times as I was writing and rewriting my book, her blog posts encouraged me not to be fearful of openly sharing my own very personal story. As children of God, we are not promised an absence of pain or struggle in this life. But we have the opportunity to glorify God and help others in the midst of our pain and struggle--and often through it and because of it.

I'm thankful God has blessed SCC with the gifts of writing and sharing his music. I'm thankful he uses his gifts to glorify God and help people like me. I'm thankful for the beautiful wife God gave him. They will probably never know all of the lives God has blessed through them . . . until heaven.