I was right!

I talked to my cover designer yesterday and the cover is done. The only hold up is that she wants an expert friend of hers to look over her finished product and make sure everything is just right. She doesn't want to hand over the cover until she gets his input. She feels so bad about the delay, but I told her I appreciate very much her desire to make sure it's the best it can be before she calls it finished.

I'm very eager to get this book submitted, but perhaps God has a purpose in giving me a little more time to make sure I am satisfied with the book's contents. I have thought numerous times that I had made all necessary changes. I'm quite certain my editor is weary of making new pdf's for me. But as I've been waiting on the cover, I have continued to reread in an effort to assure myself that I've caught every mistake before printing. At this point, I am not finding typos (which is great).

However, I have been wrestling with a few specific sentences and paragraphs, trying to get the words just right. John cautions me not to over-edit my words and my publishing friend wisely reminded me that I can mess up something that has already been fixed by continuing to make further changes. But I have to be able to own every word in this book and feel comfortable with every statement I have made (for the rest of my life). That weighs heavily on my mind and heart.

In my effort to be flexible and cooperative and open to the expertise and suggestions of my editor, I am realizing that I have convinced myself to accept his wording in a few places where his words just don't sound like my words (to me). As I explained to John this morning, "That just doesn't sound like something I would say. What he inserted is not untrue, but it's not the way I would say it. And that is bothering me. I need those statements to be in my words, not someone else's."

I know that there will be feedback on this book. I will possibly be asked to answer for or explain certain comments and my conclusions. I don't ever want to say, "Well, those were actually my editor's words, not mine. I just didn't want to be difficult to work with and it was close enough." This book is too personal.

I came to a place last night where I didn't feel okay about a certain sentence, but the right words just weren't coming to me. The sentence my editor inserted was not inaccurate, which is why I accepted it to begin with. But his perspective is different from mine because he is reading about someone else's life and he wasn't in the environment like I was. So he expresses the same thought in a slightly different way. I'm sure he was trying to emphasize a certain point I had already made, but it didn't quite apply the way he believed it did from my perspective. And it was nothing more than his word choice. I knew I had to say it differently for it to resonate with others who share my background. But the words just weren't coming, so I went to bed.

I have prayed many times that God would help me to find the right words to convey what He wants me to convey through this book. I did not write this book to make money or to get attention or because I wanted to be an author. It's true that one of my dreams in life has always been to publish a book. But I really never believed I would. And that was not the impetus for me to begin writing in January. From Day One of writing, this book has been a ministry effort for me and something deeply personal. If God intends this book to help only a handful of people, I will be humbled to be used by Him to help even five or ten people. The book does not have to be a huge success and be widely read for God to accomplish His purposes. God alone knows the intended audience for my testimony. And because I am publishing this book as a testimony, it is monumentally important to me for every word choice to be right and for the words to be my own.

I went to bed having no clue how I was going to reword the end of that specific paragraph. I just knew it could be said better. I really believed God would help me get it right and I did not wake up at 2:00 AM stressed out about it. Sure enough, the minute I woke up this morning, the words just came to me as I was still lying in bed. I got up, went to the spot, and typed the words as I believe God gave them to me. Not only did it feel right, it tied into the following paragraph so much better.

I have been wanting to get this book in print yesterday. I have pre-sold between 35 and 40 books and I am well aware that people are waiting for a book they have already paid for with an expectation of an August/September release. For all of you who are checking on my progress, I apologize for the delay and I want you to know how much I appreciate your patience and support. Those pre-sales are going to help me pay the costs of printing books. I went into this project not knowing if I would even sell enough books to cover the expense of producing it (and I still don't really know that). But I believe God has a plan for this book and so does John. We would prefer not to lose money on it, but we are willing to if the book can reach even a small number of hearts.

I'm convinced that God has had a hand in the delay because it has given me time to wrestle with every word for just a while longer. I dread emailing my editor and asking him to create yet another pdf. But, in the end, I will have peace of mind knowing I am able to take ownership of every word. It has taken more time and effort to edit this book than it took to write it. At some point I will have to let go of trying to make it better. Please say a prayer for me that I will get it right on this one last effort and I will be able to submit the whole thing to the online publisher this week. John starts his second round of chemo on Tuesday and I would really like to get this manuscript off my heart and into the publisher's hands.