From My Preface...
"Since this book is about a personal journey, I cannot avoid revisiting conversations, interactions and experiences that have shaped and influenced my life. It is not my desire to hurt or embarrass anyone. Therefore, I will struggle with that aspect of my writing from beginning to end. I am well aware that my book will create different levels of discomfort for many. I genuinely grieve that unavoidable consequence."
I do believe the above is the biggest understatement of my entire book.
Since I'm sitting all day in a treatment room with John, I decided to read through my manuscript one more time to assure my anxious heart that I've gotten it right this time. But the chapter I reread first was the one I was still wrestling with (toward the end of the book). I think I really feel at peace with it as is today. I don't think I need to make any further changes. I'm starting to think that I just have a lot of genetic self-doubt that causes me to endlessly question and scrutinize myself.
After reading that chapter and realizing that it really is good enough without any further improvements, I started again at the beginning. When I read the above paragraph in my preface, I remembered the day I wrote it back in January. The Preface was the very first thing I wrote and I would have to say that paragraph applies to almost every single day of my writing, re-writing, editing, revising, re-editing, and re-revising. I have wrestled and struggled mightily. There have been tears of sadness and tears of joy. I have sometimes wrestled for more than twenty-four hours with one word choice.
This morning Danny sent me an email telling me that he had read my blog and was praying that I could rest. He reminded me that I can't say everything perfectly no matter how hard I try. And I was reminded of the time my Christian counselor, Floyd Dawson, pointed out to me that I tried way too hard to say everything perfectly. I remember him telling me, "You put so much pressure on yourself. You seem to think that if you can figure out a way to say something just right, it will avoid upsetting others, avoid conflict, avoid 'making a mess.' But when it comes to relationships, you cannot avoid 'making a mess' sometimes. However, the solution to this problem is not to avoid the mess by using the perfect words; the solution is love and mutual respect in our relationships. Because where there is genuine love and respect, the mess isn't a threat to the relationship. The mess can just be cleaned up through repentance and forgiveness. The relationship grows stronger--sometimes--as a direct result of the clean-up process."
I know he didn't mean that we should just go around making messes and wreaking havoc on other people with blatant disregard. But there is so much truth in his words. Life is messy. Relationships are messy. Pretending and living in denial accomplishes nothing. And a lack of conflict does not constitute a real relationship. A real relationship can withstand conflict and be stronger because of it. Where there is strong love and commitment, conflict is no threat.
On Facebook recently, the question was posed "Would you rather be ignored or patronized? Which is worse?" I can't even remember which one I chose as worst. I really don't enjoy either. But I think I've discovered through reflecting on a past experience which affects me the most. I was looking up synonyms and antonyms online for the word patronizing. And I found a site that chose respect as the perfect antonym for patronizing. It crystalized my feelings on the situation I was reflecting upon. I knew I had chosen the right word. The person who made me feel patronized made me feel disrespected by not simply telling me the truth--that they didn't trust me. The truth might hurt me, but I can get over being hurt. Without truth in a relationship, there simply is no relationship. I think I would rather just be ignored than patronized.
By the time I publish this book, I think I am going to feel as though I have given birth to a child. There have been so many times I have thought, "I just can't do this." I remember saying that when I was in labor. When I really felt that way the strongest, the hardest part was almost over and the best part was just about to begin...the life of my sweet little baby who would grow into this adult son who prays that I will rest.
I CAN do it. I KNOW I can.
Thanks, Danny. I love you.
I do believe the above is the biggest understatement of my entire book.
Since I'm sitting all day in a treatment room with John, I decided to read through my manuscript one more time to assure my anxious heart that I've gotten it right this time. But the chapter I reread first was the one I was still wrestling with (toward the end of the book). I think I really feel at peace with it as is today. I don't think I need to make any further changes. I'm starting to think that I just have a lot of genetic self-doubt that causes me to endlessly question and scrutinize myself.
After reading that chapter and realizing that it really is good enough without any further improvements, I started again at the beginning. When I read the above paragraph in my preface, I remembered the day I wrote it back in January. The Preface was the very first thing I wrote and I would have to say that paragraph applies to almost every single day of my writing, re-writing, editing, revising, re-editing, and re-revising. I have wrestled and struggled mightily. There have been tears of sadness and tears of joy. I have sometimes wrestled for more than twenty-four hours with one word choice.
This morning Danny sent me an email telling me that he had read my blog and was praying that I could rest. He reminded me that I can't say everything perfectly no matter how hard I try. And I was reminded of the time my Christian counselor, Floyd Dawson, pointed out to me that I tried way too hard to say everything perfectly. I remember him telling me, "You put so much pressure on yourself. You seem to think that if you can figure out a way to say something just right, it will avoid upsetting others, avoid conflict, avoid 'making a mess.' But when it comes to relationships, you cannot avoid 'making a mess' sometimes. However, the solution to this problem is not to avoid the mess by using the perfect words; the solution is love and mutual respect in our relationships. Because where there is genuine love and respect, the mess isn't a threat to the relationship. The mess can just be cleaned up through repentance and forgiveness. The relationship grows stronger--sometimes--as a direct result of the clean-up process."
I know he didn't mean that we should just go around making messes and wreaking havoc on other people with blatant disregard. But there is so much truth in his words. Life is messy. Relationships are messy. Pretending and living in denial accomplishes nothing. And a lack of conflict does not constitute a real relationship. A real relationship can withstand conflict and be stronger because of it. Where there is strong love and commitment, conflict is no threat.
On Facebook recently, the question was posed "Would you rather be ignored or patronized? Which is worse?" I can't even remember which one I chose as worst. I really don't enjoy either. But I think I've discovered through reflecting on a past experience which affects me the most. I was looking up synonyms and antonyms online for the word patronizing. And I found a site that chose respect as the perfect antonym for patronizing. It crystalized my feelings on the situation I was reflecting upon. I knew I had chosen the right word. The person who made me feel patronized made me feel disrespected by not simply telling me the truth--that they didn't trust me. The truth might hurt me, but I can get over being hurt. Without truth in a relationship, there simply is no relationship. I think I would rather just be ignored than patronized.
By the time I publish this book, I think I am going to feel as though I have given birth to a child. There have been so many times I have thought, "I just can't do this." I remember saying that when I was in labor. When I really felt that way the strongest, the hardest part was almost over and the best part was just about to begin...the life of my sweet little baby who would grow into this adult son who prays that I will rest.
I CAN do it. I KNOW I can.
Thanks, Danny. I love you.
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