Dear Lord, I'm really trying hard!
I sent my Word document to the editor last night, assuring him that I believed this was the last rewrite needing a new pdf. I then worked out, took a hot bath and got comfy with my current Beth Moore Bible Study on Esther.
I am on week three, reading the third chapter of Esther, which focuses on Mordecai's refusal to bow to Haman. In the third chapter of the study book, Beth makes this statement:
"I'm not sure we're ever in a more uncomfortable predicament than when we discern evil in someone who other people esteem. At no time should we be more prayerful or careful to search our own sin-driven souls."
She then asks the reader to make a list in the margin of the possible ramifications of a wrong or overblown judgment, followed by this observation:
"Among the ramifications on your list, you probably noted that we could find ourselves in a serious chastisement of God. I'd just as soon avoid asking for that kind of trouble. Also imagine the terrible guilt of a retraction proving insufficient. Surely we have all strongly misjudged someone."
I didn't think that I had written anything that made an outright judgment of anyone, or their heart, but reading this did cause me to feel an even greater concern regarding my choice of words. I thought of one specific chapter where I might have been guilty of judging someone's motive. And I know that no matter what I think I see as evidence, no matter what my questions may be or how discerning I think I am, I cannot know another persons's heart. Only God knows our hearts. We don't even know our own hearts most of the time.
So I got up this morning and emailed my editor to hold off making a new pdf. I explained my concern and that I wanted to go back through a specific chapter to make sure I was careful to avoid judgment. He's been so great. He replied, "No problem."
I have spent the last five hours agonizing over my words and making sure that I express myself in the form of questions and not statements that imply judgment. I actually wound up making that chapter even more personal than it already was. I realize that I could go on making changes forever and there will always be something I may later feel that I could have said better. But I want to do my absolute best to demonstrate faithfulness to God as I exercise the freedom He has given me to share my testimony.
My desire is to please God in this effort above all else and I hope and pray that He will touch the hearts of others through the sharing of my own. I am flawed and imperfect. No matter how many times I rewrite and revise, I'm painfully aware of my inadequacy to do this perfectly. But I am trying so hard to do it right and in a God-honoring way.
I am on week three, reading the third chapter of Esther, which focuses on Mordecai's refusal to bow to Haman. In the third chapter of the study book, Beth makes this statement:
"I'm not sure we're ever in a more uncomfortable predicament than when we discern evil in someone who other people esteem. At no time should we be more prayerful or careful to search our own sin-driven souls."
She then asks the reader to make a list in the margin of the possible ramifications of a wrong or overblown judgment, followed by this observation:
"Among the ramifications on your list, you probably noted that we could find ourselves in a serious chastisement of God. I'd just as soon avoid asking for that kind of trouble. Also imagine the terrible guilt of a retraction proving insufficient. Surely we have all strongly misjudged someone."
I didn't think that I had written anything that made an outright judgment of anyone, or their heart, but reading this did cause me to feel an even greater concern regarding my choice of words. I thought of one specific chapter where I might have been guilty of judging someone's motive. And I know that no matter what I think I see as evidence, no matter what my questions may be or how discerning I think I am, I cannot know another persons's heart. Only God knows our hearts. We don't even know our own hearts most of the time.
So I got up this morning and emailed my editor to hold off making a new pdf. I explained my concern and that I wanted to go back through a specific chapter to make sure I was careful to avoid judgment. He's been so great. He replied, "No problem."
I have spent the last five hours agonizing over my words and making sure that I express myself in the form of questions and not statements that imply judgment. I actually wound up making that chapter even more personal than it already was. I realize that I could go on making changes forever and there will always be something I may later feel that I could have said better. But I want to do my absolute best to demonstrate faithfulness to God as I exercise the freedom He has given me to share my testimony.
My desire is to please God in this effort above all else and I hope and pray that He will touch the hearts of others through the sharing of my own. I am flawed and imperfect. No matter how many times I rewrite and revise, I'm painfully aware of my inadequacy to do this perfectly. But I am trying so hard to do it right and in a God-honoring way.
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