The book is almost ready to submit!

My cover designer just emailed me that the cover is done and she has been contemplating sending it to me. She said I will have it today. I'm guessing that she is having a hard time letting go of her work and calling it "finished." She is a perfectionist. I'm dealing with the same challenge on the manuscript. I have made endless revisions; changing one word in a sentence, wondering if I should add or subtract a detail or two in certain places, having something extremely minor jump off the page at me that I have never noticed before. It is exhausting. But I have learned so much from the process. I have learned a lot about publishing a book. I have learned a lot about myself. And I have learned even more how to rely on God's grace in times of fear and anxiety.

My editor and publishing mentors all assure me that mistakes make it into published books all the time and sometimes are not even noticed until the second printing. But it's still hard not to keep poring over the manuscript looking for something you've missed. On the other hand, I am becoming weary of reading it over and over again. I am so glad I wrote this book and it has been therapeutic beyond my wildest dreams. But I am now thinking that there is going to be an additional benefit to writing it. I really believe this book is assisting me in detaching myself from some of the emotions and wounds of my past. Up to this point, I have not been able to accomplish that (although it has been a strong desire to do so for years).

As I wrote the book, I found myself many times writing TO my old friends. More than once I had to delete long portions where I attempted to (overly) explain myself as I would fall into an apologetic tone, feeling guilty for sharing the truth of my past because of my love for certain people and my desire for them to still love me. I will never forget the day I shared a certain chapter with Jennifer (whose story I tell in the book), wanting to make sure I had all my facts straight. Jennifer responded, "Shari! Stop apologizing for your convictions! You need to delete the first four pages of this chapter!" I knew she was right, but I continually felt the need to seek understanding and approval from people in my past. I so wanted to reach them; to reach their hearts.

That was how much I agonized over the content of this book. I agonized over whether I was dishonoring my parents in sharing anything about my relationships with them. I love my parents. I agonized over other family members' reactions and how their perceptions of the same events might differ from mine. I love my family. How they feel toward me matters to me. Sometimes I realize it matters too much and I have to remind myself of some of the things God has taught me about seeking approval and validation from others - even my family members.

I didn't want to include any details that did not pertain to my spiritual journey. I didn't want to hurt or embarrass people unnecessarily. I agonized over the fact that all of my own hurts are so vivid in my memory, while contemplating the reality that I may have inflicted hurts on others that I don't even remember. I hate knowing I have hurt others. And my worst fear in life (or one of my worst fears) is being a hypocrite. So I included unflattering things about myself very intentionally. I'm thankful my husband and my son understood why I needed to do that and assured me I could never embarrass them.

I have a feeling that some of the people I was trying to reach with this book won't even want to read it. And that's okay. It's their choice. One of the thoughts I have had repeatedly since finishing the book is that if I died tomorrow, I have left my testimony, my struggles, the things I have learned and the history that is uniquely mine for anyone who wants to know me. And my focus has somewhat changed now that the book is done. I find that the people I am most looking forward to sharing my testimony with are my newer friends; those who did not know me before I lived in Murfreesboro or attended World Outreach Church.

Our very close friends, Mark and Anita, came over for dinner last night and I showed them my printed manuscript (in a three ring binder). Mark shared with me that he realized within the first six months of knowing me that I had been in a cult from just the little bit that I had shared with them about my past. I have known them for over six years now and my history has come up in many conversations. I have tried to help them understand how I was raised, what I was taught, and some of the background to certain events over the last couple of years. I can never seem to condense my testimony into a conversation or even many conversations. And I have come to the conclusion recently that the people I am most eager to share my testimony with are the people who I know love me; the ones who are really interested in my life and who I am today. As I approach the publication of this book, my focus is becoming less about the people I WANT to love and understand me. Oh, some days it is definitely still about them. I won't ever deny that. But I don't want to plead for anyone's love anymore. I want it to be enough that God loves me and He has placed so many loving friends in my life who demonstrate their love and support in SO MANY ways.

My two favorite chapters in the whole book are the ones that focus on John and Brittany.

I wonder; is it possible that by publishing this book I might finally be able to take my eyes off of the past and live completely in the love and freedom Christ has given me in the present? Might this book be a tool God uses to finish the breaking of my chains? I hope so!