The Latest...
I'm trying to think of subject lines other than "update" and my brain doesn't function at its peak in the morning.
Lillian, my sister-in-law, is still doing chemo and radiation. She seems to be holding up well. But I know it's a long, tough, hard fought battle. I love you, Lillian. Hang in there!
John is continuing to rebound from Week One of FCR plus Lumiliximab. I told my friends on the CLL Christian Friends forum that I am sometimes quite impressed with myself the way these drug names just roll off my tongue and that I can even spell them. I'm talking about drug names like Fludarabine, Cyclophosphamide, Lumiliximab, Rituximab (or Rituxan). I also know the difference between a chemo agent and a monoclonal antibody. And that's impressive because a lot of the medical personnel don't seem to understand the difference. In John's case, he is receiving two chemotherapy agents (F & C) and two monoclonal antibodies (R & L).
I used to think of chemotherapy as just chemotherapy. I'm learning that all chemos are not alike, just as all cancer is not alike and all Leukemia is not alike. Before my association with CLL, I had no idea how many different forms of Leukemia there were. So now when a public person (like Mary Travers of Peter, Paul & Mary) dies from "complications of Leukemia," I immediately wonder what kind of Leukemia she had and what kind of treatment she was receiving that may have contributed to her complications.
Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had the blues all day long. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it was the weather. Although weather doesn't usually affect me emotionally, so probably not. But it's the first thing we like to blame. I think it's probably more of a delayed reaction to stress. I felt better when John got home. Hugs can do wonders.
I feel better this morning. I get to spend time with Rebecca and the boys today and I'm looking forward to that.
The book is finished. The cover is almost finished. I had a few last minute requests of my designer for the back cover. I wrote a little blip 'about the author' and supplied her with a quote, as well as what portion of Charlie's foreword I wanted to quote on the back. The cover was essentially done prior to my additions. But I don't expect those to take long. It's just a matter of adding some text and laying it out. Once I get the pdf of the cover, I'm ready to submit the whole thing to the online publisher. They tell me it's about two weeks from that point to having a published book.
As that day approaches, I have so many mixed emotions. I feel good about the book and the book's message. I have printed out the manuscript and I have read it many times; some chapters more than others. There's nothing in there - not even a sentence at this point - that I feel uncomfortable with. I have been very open and truthful, but I don't think I have been unkind in my portrayal of anyone. The book tells my story, my emotions, my insecurities, my thoughts, my opinions and my struggles. I also tell the stories of several friends. Their stories are like threads running through the fabric of my own life.
My hope and prayer is that former friends and family members I am estranged from will read the book and gain understanding. I pray that they will see and feel my heart on the pages of this book (as well as the hearts of others who have left). I will always have hope that there can be healing and restoration to broken relationships; new clarity for long held misunderstandings and misjudgments. As John and I were walking one evening a couple of weeks ago, I asked him if he thought there was a chance that when certain people read the book, they might see the truth and feel my heart, that there might be healing; or if he thought they would just be more ticked off at me for being so open and honest. He said, "There's always a chance, but I think it's more likely that they'll just be more ticked off at you. Having hope is good, just don't get your hopes up too high."
I think these hopes and the unlikely realization of them have a lot to do with the melancholy I felt all day yesterday. While I am very excited about being so close to having my book published and I believe more than ever in the importance of its message, I feel a heaviness for those who won't understand why I had to write it and will feel persecuted by it. I don't like to cause pain or discomfort for others. This book won't be comfortable for all to read. But every word is the truth and it's the life I have lived side by side with others.
I pray that God will use the book to open people's eyes to the truth and that real healing will begin. I pray that lost relationships will be restored. I pray that there might one day be healing in my family.
Lillian, my sister-in-law, is still doing chemo and radiation. She seems to be holding up well. But I know it's a long, tough, hard fought battle. I love you, Lillian. Hang in there!
John is continuing to rebound from Week One of FCR plus Lumiliximab. I told my friends on the CLL Christian Friends forum that I am sometimes quite impressed with myself the way these drug names just roll off my tongue and that I can even spell them. I'm talking about drug names like Fludarabine, Cyclophosphamide, Lumiliximab, Rituximab (or Rituxan). I also know the difference between a chemo agent and a monoclonal antibody. And that's impressive because a lot of the medical personnel don't seem to understand the difference. In John's case, he is receiving two chemotherapy agents (F & C) and two monoclonal antibodies (R & L).
I used to think of chemotherapy as just chemotherapy. I'm learning that all chemos are not alike, just as all cancer is not alike and all Leukemia is not alike. Before my association with CLL, I had no idea how many different forms of Leukemia there were. So now when a public person (like Mary Travers of Peter, Paul & Mary) dies from "complications of Leukemia," I immediately wonder what kind of Leukemia she had and what kind of treatment she was receiving that may have contributed to her complications.
Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had the blues all day long. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it was the weather. Although weather doesn't usually affect me emotionally, so probably not. But it's the first thing we like to blame. I think it's probably more of a delayed reaction to stress. I felt better when John got home. Hugs can do wonders.
I feel better this morning. I get to spend time with Rebecca and the boys today and I'm looking forward to that.
The book is finished. The cover is almost finished. I had a few last minute requests of my designer for the back cover. I wrote a little blip 'about the author' and supplied her with a quote, as well as what portion of Charlie's foreword I wanted to quote on the back. The cover was essentially done prior to my additions. But I don't expect those to take long. It's just a matter of adding some text and laying it out. Once I get the pdf of the cover, I'm ready to submit the whole thing to the online publisher. They tell me it's about two weeks from that point to having a published book.
As that day approaches, I have so many mixed emotions. I feel good about the book and the book's message. I have printed out the manuscript and I have read it many times; some chapters more than others. There's nothing in there - not even a sentence at this point - that I feel uncomfortable with. I have been very open and truthful, but I don't think I have been unkind in my portrayal of anyone. The book tells my story, my emotions, my insecurities, my thoughts, my opinions and my struggles. I also tell the stories of several friends. Their stories are like threads running through the fabric of my own life.
My hope and prayer is that former friends and family members I am estranged from will read the book and gain understanding. I pray that they will see and feel my heart on the pages of this book (as well as the hearts of others who have left). I will always have hope that there can be healing and restoration to broken relationships; new clarity for long held misunderstandings and misjudgments. As John and I were walking one evening a couple of weeks ago, I asked him if he thought there was a chance that when certain people read the book, they might see the truth and feel my heart, that there might be healing; or if he thought they would just be more ticked off at me for being so open and honest. He said, "There's always a chance, but I think it's more likely that they'll just be more ticked off at you. Having hope is good, just don't get your hopes up too high."
I think these hopes and the unlikely realization of them have a lot to do with the melancholy I felt all day yesterday. While I am very excited about being so close to having my book published and I believe more than ever in the importance of its message, I feel a heaviness for those who won't understand why I had to write it and will feel persecuted by it. I don't like to cause pain or discomfort for others. This book won't be comfortable for all to read. But every word is the truth and it's the life I have lived side by side with others.
I pray that God will use the book to open people's eyes to the truth and that real healing will begin. I pray that lost relationships will be restored. I pray that there might one day be healing in my family.
Comments
While attending a lecture recently I found the following interesting:Kelly a friend of mine had many students from Fuller Seminary at her home this summer so there was much time for discussion. She and her husband asked the students ,"What do you worry and pray about?"They worry and pray about their Relationships with God and People-somethings remain true.
There is always hope,for clarity brings knowledge and understanding. We can just hope for the best.
Have a wonderful day with Rebecca and the boys. Being around children is uplifting,especially your own grandchildren.
Happy John is continuing to rebound from his first week of treatment. You are both in my prayers. Love to you both.
I wrote this book from my heart (and obviously from my perspective) on the events that have impacted me the most in my life. I attempted to do that with honesty and integrity, and without hiding my own faults. But I know that I may have wounded someone in ways I don't know or don't remember. I hope that when others read my book, they will be able to feel my heart. And if I have committed a wrong in the past that I don't remember and need to repent for, I hope I will be given that opportunity now.
Some relationships are harder than others. There have been times I have not wanted to try anymore because some relationships have been so hard. But I know that with God all things are possible. And I will never completely give up hope for healing and restoration.