"A million thoughts in your head..."
The title of this post is a line taken from the lyrics of "Somebody's Watching You" that I shared yesterday. It best describes my own state of mind this morning. There is so much I could write and so much I probably shouldn't write. Where to start? Where to end? Like I said, a million thoughts in my head. A million conflicting emotions in my heart, as well.
I don't think I have a lot of readers who don't know me and my testimony. I'm pretty sure anyone reading my blog is connected to me personally in some way; either through the present or through the past. Some of you reading this blog love me deeply. Some of you can't stand me and believe I am attacking you (so you read to see what I will say next). Some of you may love me and dislike me. However, I doubt anyone is reading who is completely ambivalent toward me because if that were the case, you'd have no interest in reading. You may either love me or feel contempt for me, but either way you know my story by now and are probably well aware of the current events I allude to without my being specific.
If I could write about every detail I personally know that has led me to take the stand I've taken, a lot more people would understand me. But I can't. They are not my stories to tell. If I could openly share a dream a close friend had years ago that has literally come to pass before my very eyes, it would at the very least give you pause. But it's not my dream to tell. I wonder almost daily if the person who had the dream has forgotten or simply refuses to face the events foretold in the dream. I won't share the dream publicly out of respect for this person. But there was no life in the dream and no healing. In recent years, I believe God has impressed upon me that that was the message of the dream. I have now seen the "scene" played out in real life. I know this person, whom I was once so close to, probably regrets telling me the dream -- having no idea I would someday become an outsider and their perceived enemy.
It hurts very deeply to know you are viewed as an enemy by people you will love till the day you die. But in spite of the pain and loss I will continue to feel, I do not regret for one moment the stand I have taken. I see the deception of my past. I see that what I was taught about salvation, and many other things, was wrong. And I see the devastation of lives that has resulted from the wrong priorities and lack of genuine repentance. I cannot be silent. My conscience will not allow it. So I will have to live with the personal consequences.
It's not about me; who likes me or who doesn't. And I have to continually remind myself of that.
I was reading this morning about the pursuit of holiness in "The Discipline of Grace." Bridges writes...
We need to work at ensuring that our commitment to holiness is a commitment to God, not to our own self-esteem. Frederick W. Faber, a nineteenth-century British writer, showed great insight into this tendency. Again, for the sake of clarity I will paraphrase:
"When we sin we are more vexed at the lowering of our self-esteem than we are grieved at God's dishonor. We are surprised and irritated at our own lack of self-control in subjecting ourselves to unworthy habits...The first cause of this is self-love, which is unable to stand the disappointment of not seeing ourselves in time of trial come out beautiful, erect, and admirable."
These words spoke to my heart this morning. I feel such an intense self-loathing when I hurt other people, when I disappoint other people and let them down, when I don't handle everything in exactly the right way or respond with exactly the right words. When I am made freshly aware that someone has intensely negative feelings toward me, even if I already knew it in my heart, just the reminder of it can bring a heaviness to my heart that outweighs all my joy for the rest of the day or several days. But that is just as self-absorbed as the person who delights in themselves. I am making it about me and it's not about me.
God, help me to be committed to You and not to my own feelings of self-worth or pride or the value I'm given (or not given) by others. Please make me an instrument of Your righteousness. Please give me pure motives and a clean heart. Help me take my "self" entirely out of the picture, that I might do Your will in all things with no concern for how I am perceived either way. I long to reflect Your beauty and not my own.
I don't think I have a lot of readers who don't know me and my testimony. I'm pretty sure anyone reading my blog is connected to me personally in some way; either through the present or through the past. Some of you reading this blog love me deeply. Some of you can't stand me and believe I am attacking you (so you read to see what I will say next). Some of you may love me and dislike me. However, I doubt anyone is reading who is completely ambivalent toward me because if that were the case, you'd have no interest in reading. You may either love me or feel contempt for me, but either way you know my story by now and are probably well aware of the current events I allude to without my being specific.
If I could write about every detail I personally know that has led me to take the stand I've taken, a lot more people would understand me. But I can't. They are not my stories to tell. If I could openly share a dream a close friend had years ago that has literally come to pass before my very eyes, it would at the very least give you pause. But it's not my dream to tell. I wonder almost daily if the person who had the dream has forgotten or simply refuses to face the events foretold in the dream. I won't share the dream publicly out of respect for this person. But there was no life in the dream and no healing. In recent years, I believe God has impressed upon me that that was the message of the dream. I have now seen the "scene" played out in real life. I know this person, whom I was once so close to, probably regrets telling me the dream -- having no idea I would someday become an outsider and their perceived enemy.
It hurts very deeply to know you are viewed as an enemy by people you will love till the day you die. But in spite of the pain and loss I will continue to feel, I do not regret for one moment the stand I have taken. I see the deception of my past. I see that what I was taught about salvation, and many other things, was wrong. And I see the devastation of lives that has resulted from the wrong priorities and lack of genuine repentance. I cannot be silent. My conscience will not allow it. So I will have to live with the personal consequences.
It's not about me; who likes me or who doesn't. And I have to continually remind myself of that.
I was reading this morning about the pursuit of holiness in "The Discipline of Grace." Bridges writes...
We need to work at ensuring that our commitment to holiness is a commitment to God, not to our own self-esteem. Frederick W. Faber, a nineteenth-century British writer, showed great insight into this tendency. Again, for the sake of clarity I will paraphrase:
"When we sin we are more vexed at the lowering of our self-esteem than we are grieved at God's dishonor. We are surprised and irritated at our own lack of self-control in subjecting ourselves to unworthy habits...The first cause of this is self-love, which is unable to stand the disappointment of not seeing ourselves in time of trial come out beautiful, erect, and admirable."
These words spoke to my heart this morning. I feel such an intense self-loathing when I hurt other people, when I disappoint other people and let them down, when I don't handle everything in exactly the right way or respond with exactly the right words. When I am made freshly aware that someone has intensely negative feelings toward me, even if I already knew it in my heart, just the reminder of it can bring a heaviness to my heart that outweighs all my joy for the rest of the day or several days. But that is just as self-absorbed as the person who delights in themselves. I am making it about me and it's not about me.
God, help me to be committed to You and not to my own feelings of self-worth or pride or the value I'm given (or not given) by others. Please make me an instrument of Your righteousness. Please give me pure motives and a clean heart. Help me take my "self" entirely out of the picture, that I might do Your will in all things with no concern for how I am perceived either way. I long to reflect Your beauty and not my own.
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