It's time
I haven't posted much this week. I have been feeling compelled to share something; a dream. And I have a lot of inner turmoil about this dream. The dream was told to me many years ago and I have never been able to stop thinking about it. God seems to just keep bringing it to my mind over and over again. Since it was not my own dream, my struggle has been whether or not it is my place or responsibility to share it. Up to this point, I have chosen not to openly share it, although I have shared it with a few people privately. But I think the time has come for me to share it openly. I don't know if the dream was from God. But if it was, one cannot deny the interpretation or significance of current events.
I think most of you will understand my conflicting emotions. The person who had the dream was once a very close friend of mine. She is still in CGT. At the time of the dream, she didn't want anyone to know about it. And I never told anybody for a long time. At that time, I told her I wouldn't. But I keep asking myself if I have an obligation to share it. Is this a secret God wants me to keep? Maybe I will never have a clear answer to that question.
For those of you who are still there and are reading my blog, I feel that I owe it to you to tell the dream. I now believe it was a warning. And I believe God wanted me to hear and remember the dream. I don't think it was just an unfortunate coincidence that this person, once a dear friend, chose to share the dream with me. Neither of us, at that time, could have foreseen that I would ever leave the church or that the things that are happening today would ever happen. It would have seemed stranger than fiction. But God knew.
I believe this is a crucial time. If you believe that God gives spiritual dreams, it's hard to dismiss this dream. If you are conflicted and trying to make sense of the things that are transpiring, this dream may speak to your heart. My telling it will probably make a lot of people mad. But I can no longer keep it to myself.
To my former friend who confided this dream in me, if you're reading, I love you more than you will ever believe. I have always loved you and I always will love you. I don't want to betray your confidence. I don't want to hurt you. But if this dream was from God (as you and I believed it was at the time), it is significant for many people's lives. Not just ours. Not just Steve's. Perhaps you have already shared this dream openly. And in that case, maybe it won't be a big deal that I'm sharing it. If I were still there, I would want to know about this dream. And I have always wondered if God had a purpose in my knowing about it.
The person who had the dream told me this dream took place during a time of transition. She knew this because she was living in a certain house (in the dream) where she had lived during a prior transitional time in our church. She and her husband went to an apartment where many other church members had lived. I believe she said they were going there to visit someone. When they opened the door, they saw a bloody scene of death and destruction. Everywhere they looked, it appeared as though a massacre had taken place. There was nothing but blood and human flesh everywhere, as though someone had come in with a machine gun on a killing rampage.
There were only two living men in this scene. One was Steve Farmer. He was walking around putting bloody body parts in a trash bag. The other man was sitting on a couch. In the dream, he reached into the cushions and pulled out a bloody, dismembered hand. That was the end of the dream.
This person asked me if I thought she should tell Steve the dream. I told her that she absolutely had to tell him the dream because I thought, at the time, this meant that Steve was the appointed man to clean up what I then thought of as the mess left by the former pastor. How could she not tell him? I urged her to tell him and tell him right then.
She wrote the dream down and gave it to Steve. I don't remember if we ever talked about it again. This was long before I left the church. At that time, my thinking (regarding the dream) was, "Poor Steve. What a mess." But I really had no idea. The mess was so much bigger than I knew back then.
I have now been gone for over five years. Many things have come to light that I did not know at that time. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have reflected on this dream and wondered why I know about it. And then one day, I saw something in the dream I'd never thought about previously. I'd thought Steve was going to be the man to clean everything up, heal the wounds of the past, deal with the blood that was on someone else's hands. And then it dawned on me that there was no healing in the dream. There was no restoration. There was no life. Only death and destruction and a man putting bloody parts in a bag while another man watched.
I don't know if there is any significance in the man sitting on the couch. He was just sitting there. He was once a trustee, but is not now. I wouldn't exactly describe him as having a leadership position. But part of me wonders if I should let him know he was in this dream. If I had been in a dream like this, I would want to know. What if the significance was that he was just sitting there observing, doing nothing?
This dream is too striking and disturbing for me to disregard. The dream has haunted me for years. I am still conflicted about me being the one to tell it. But I can't get rid of the feeling that I am supposed to tell the dream no matter how hard I try. So maybe God wants someone to hear it who is reading. The thing is, I have no idea who reads my blog. But God does.
I think most of you will understand my conflicting emotions. The person who had the dream was once a very close friend of mine. She is still in CGT. At the time of the dream, she didn't want anyone to know about it. And I never told anybody for a long time. At that time, I told her I wouldn't. But I keep asking myself if I have an obligation to share it. Is this a secret God wants me to keep? Maybe I will never have a clear answer to that question.
For those of you who are still there and are reading my blog, I feel that I owe it to you to tell the dream. I now believe it was a warning. And I believe God wanted me to hear and remember the dream. I don't think it was just an unfortunate coincidence that this person, once a dear friend, chose to share the dream with me. Neither of us, at that time, could have foreseen that I would ever leave the church or that the things that are happening today would ever happen. It would have seemed stranger than fiction. But God knew.
I believe this is a crucial time. If you believe that God gives spiritual dreams, it's hard to dismiss this dream. If you are conflicted and trying to make sense of the things that are transpiring, this dream may speak to your heart. My telling it will probably make a lot of people mad. But I can no longer keep it to myself.
To my former friend who confided this dream in me, if you're reading, I love you more than you will ever believe. I have always loved you and I always will love you. I don't want to betray your confidence. I don't want to hurt you. But if this dream was from God (as you and I believed it was at the time), it is significant for many people's lives. Not just ours. Not just Steve's. Perhaps you have already shared this dream openly. And in that case, maybe it won't be a big deal that I'm sharing it. If I were still there, I would want to know about this dream. And I have always wondered if God had a purpose in my knowing about it.
The person who had the dream told me this dream took place during a time of transition. She knew this because she was living in a certain house (in the dream) where she had lived during a prior transitional time in our church. She and her husband went to an apartment where many other church members had lived. I believe she said they were going there to visit someone. When they opened the door, they saw a bloody scene of death and destruction. Everywhere they looked, it appeared as though a massacre had taken place. There was nothing but blood and human flesh everywhere, as though someone had come in with a machine gun on a killing rampage.
There were only two living men in this scene. One was Steve Farmer. He was walking around putting bloody body parts in a trash bag. The other man was sitting on a couch. In the dream, he reached into the cushions and pulled out a bloody, dismembered hand. That was the end of the dream.
This person asked me if I thought she should tell Steve the dream. I told her that she absolutely had to tell him the dream because I thought, at the time, this meant that Steve was the appointed man to clean up what I then thought of as the mess left by the former pastor. How could she not tell him? I urged her to tell him and tell him right then.
She wrote the dream down and gave it to Steve. I don't remember if we ever talked about it again. This was long before I left the church. At that time, my thinking (regarding the dream) was, "Poor Steve. What a mess." But I really had no idea. The mess was so much bigger than I knew back then.
I have now been gone for over five years. Many things have come to light that I did not know at that time. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have reflected on this dream and wondered why I know about it. And then one day, I saw something in the dream I'd never thought about previously. I'd thought Steve was going to be the man to clean everything up, heal the wounds of the past, deal with the blood that was on someone else's hands. And then it dawned on me that there was no healing in the dream. There was no restoration. There was no life. Only death and destruction and a man putting bloody parts in a bag while another man watched.
I don't know if there is any significance in the man sitting on the couch. He was just sitting there. He was once a trustee, but is not now. I wouldn't exactly describe him as having a leadership position. But part of me wonders if I should let him know he was in this dream. If I had been in a dream like this, I would want to know. What if the significance was that he was just sitting there observing, doing nothing?
This dream is too striking and disturbing for me to disregard. The dream has haunted me for years. I am still conflicted about me being the one to tell it. But I can't get rid of the feeling that I am supposed to tell the dream no matter how hard I try. So maybe God wants someone to hear it who is reading. The thing is, I have no idea who reads my blog. But God does.
Comments
Our associate pastor spoke last night on the subject of sowing and reaping.
Now, that responsibilty that you once held falls into the laps of those that hear it and either take action or ignore the warning. You did the right thing Shari.
Secondly, another part of my struggle has been that this is just a dream. I can't know for certain that it came from God. It's hard to imagine, in light of all that has happened, it being random and coincidence. And I do believe in spiritual dreams. So I would rather consider that it may have been from God than to dismiss it as having no meaning. I think it's significant that I have never been able to stop thinking about the dream. And I think it's interesting that I was told the dream. God knew I was not staying. God knows I will speak up if I feel convicted to do so, even when unwanted personal consequences may be the end result. And God knows that if this had been my own dream, instead of someone who is still there, it would be easily dismissed because I have no credibility. I lost that a long time ago.