Compulsive

I can't resist sharing this picture that came in an email to me the other day. It's timely. And I bet all of you reading could use a laugh. I don't want to exercise poor taste, but in all honesty, this is a pretty good illustration of my life the last few days (just ask my husband): I have been trying to break free of my recent message board compulsion. Not doing too well, in case you want a progress report. I am daily reminded of what a miserable failure I am when it comes to my spiritual performance.

Trying to focus my attention on something more constructive this afternoon, I went and got the book I had been reading just prior to this week's events. I realized I hadn't picked it up in several days. I began reading the chapter on The Discipline of Commitment (chapter 9 of The Discipline of Grace). I was hoping I would read something that would inspire a post. And I read these words:

"People will help you compromise your integrity if you have not already made a commitment to be absolutely honest..."

Wow. If you know anything about today's developments, you know this has an application I don't need to explain.

Maybe I'm supposed to write about this. Maybe not. I am an imperfect vessel and I don't always know when God is prompting me or when I am prompting myself. But it does seem strange that I would read these words tonight. There have been so many times when my reading just seemed to coincide with an event. And I don't believe in random coincidences anymore.

An article will appear in the Tennessean tomorrow morning about the lawsuits I've mentioned. The pastor of CGT was interviewed and it has been reported that he made certain statements that, if he truly did make them, are blatantly false. I was blown away when I heard it. I still can't wrap my mind around the reality that he said it. (I am adding this on Saturday morning: the statement was not in the article as reported. It was said to be a misquote and was taken out.)

I cannot begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart to witness what is happening. I keep hoping to see integrity in this man that I once so respected. I don't understand what's happened to him. Being very, very close to this situation, I can say with absolute certainty that if there had ever been genuine repentance and open acknowledgment of past wrongs, if there had been accountability and a concern for victims demonstrated by the leadership of CGT, there never would have been any lawsuits filed nor any media attention to these injustices. All these victims ever wanted was acknowledgment of wrong and the opportunity to forgive through sincere repentance for the crimes committed against them. God has provided so many opportunities (for repentance). But that never happened.

I keep praying for repentance to come. With every new development it seems less likely. But God is so big. And I know that He will do whatever it takes to save us and to bring us to repentance. I believe with all my heart that that's what all of this is about. God is trying to open the eyes of those He loves and bring all to repentance through the Cross of Jesus Christ. He wants to set captives free. He wants to replace false doctrine with the true Gospel. He wants to deliver us from bondage. And He wants to replace our arrogance with humility. He wants us to see ourselves as the wretches we truly are. We can't be saved until we recognize our condition.

I will never forget a professor I had my senior year at Lipscomb. He silently walked up to the chalk board and wrote two words. The first word was "humble" and the second was "exalt." He just stood there for a few minutes and let us look at the words. Most of the students were just embarking on their adult life. I was the only one who had already been taught this lesson by life. After a brief pause, he said these words: "In life, you will be faced with many opportunities to either exalt yourself or humble yourself. I just want to remind you of one thing. Whichever one you choose, God will take care of the other."

I have never forgotten his words. Like I said, I already knew the principle and had read it in the Bible. But just the way he said it made such a lasting impression on me. I would rather humble myself than for God to have to do it for me. I am going to keep on praying for God's mercy along with God's will as all of these events unfold.

What is happening right now is hard on families. Part of my family is committed to CGT. Another member of my family is suing CGT. I support my sister-in-law in the justice she is seeking. I believe God has given her the resolve and the courage to see this through. I have told her many times that I don't believe I would be brave enough to do what she's doing. I'm such a wimp. I'm so easily devastated by people's condemnation of me. I was in tears this morning because I'm so torn between my convictions and the compassion I feel for those who are still in deception. Because of the stand I have taken with regard to CGT, I feel like part of my family has probably written me off. (They may feel the same way about me.) I don't say this to put blame anywhere. I'm just pouring my heart out on my blog. It hurts. I love my family. Not one of them is disposable to me. But I am committed to suffer any personal consequences I have to in order to be true to my strong conviction about what is right and what is wrong. I pray that God will restore what feels lost. He has already done that in other areas of my life and I know He is able to do it in this. But when push comes to shove, their souls matter more to me than how much any of them like me.

I have come to believe that God has a much larger purpose than merely bringing justice for these victims. I believe this is God's love in action for those who have chosen to exalt rather than to humble themselves. I do not say that in judgment or condemnation. I am guilty. God has had to humble me many times and it's never pleasant. But I'm so thankful He loves me enough to humble me. And I have tried to embrace whatever means He has to use to bring that humility to my life. Because I want to be humbled before Him more than anything and I know I can't always do it for myself. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is SO weak. I don't want to just talk about it. I want to cultivate humility into every part of my life. I'm not where I want to be. Please don't read this as though I consider myself an authority on this. I just long for that true spiritual fruit to be evident in my life.

My prayer is that a miracle will happen through all of this. I so desire to see redemption and restoration.