A letter to my friends

I am not uncomfortable with any discussion of differing opinions. However, I am very uncomfortable with the discomfort of others. I have a personality quirk that causes me to feel that I am responsible for making everyone around me feel comfortable at all times. I have brought this quirk even to my blog. As with many of my personality traits, there is a paradox here. (Good word, Dee Dee! I'm borrowing from your comment because it was so thought-provoking.)

I will not hesitate to introduce thoughts that are sure to fuel controversy. I love discussion and deep thinking about truth. I don't shy away from saying out loud what others may only be thinking. But then, when someone makes me aware that I have made them feel uncomfortable, I go into that other, fragile side of me, which says, "Oh no, what have I done? Someone objects to the thoughts I am expressing. I must be wrong." That's on a good day. On a bad day, I will follow up with the additional inner tape recording that tells me I am really a terrible person who has a knack for being abrasive, offensive and upsetting people.

Another paradox about me is that I so want to be loved, accepted and approved of by others. But I will not compromise my sincerity/integrity to have your love. If I have to be false in any way to have your love, your acceptance or your approval, I will forfeit all of those (and even the relationship if it comes to that) rather than be consciously insincere. There is nothing I value more in a friend than someone being real with me. I have a very hard time with pretense or facades of any kind. (Is it any wonder I had such an inner struggle in my earlier environment?)

Knowing those two things about me will help you understand the contrast in my behavior (if you care to). I am motivated to challenge others to look at things on a deeper level, perhaps in a way they have never considered. This is something that just naturally creates discomfort. And yet I cringe, from head to toe, at having caused your discomfort. It's not always an easy way to exist. I often feel strongly about the topic, but emotionally fragile in the midst of the confrontation.

You might not guess this about me, but I hate conflict. I will avoid it when I can. But I had to learn how much I avoided confrontation in the past because of the fear of suffering consequences from others. I had to consciously work at overcoming this because that motive is rooted in self-protection, which is not loving others as I am commanded in scripture. At this point, I'm not afraid of conflict and I won't run from it when a higher priority comes into play. But I still don't enjoy it.

John calls me his little affirmation seeker, which is an accurate description. He has many names for me, by the way. He also calls me his little crusader. And sometimes he calls me Miss Hardness of Head. But I am never hurt or offended by my descriptive nicknames because they are always said with such affection and often amusement. When there is no fear of rejection, I find that I can handle the truth about myself! That is why it's so crucial that we recognize how secure we are in God's love and that, because we are covered by the blood of Jesus and have faith in Him, God will not reject us for our failures. Because once we know how deeply we are loved and that we will not be rejected, we can handle knowing the truth about ourselves! And we can handle others knowing the truth about us.

When we believe we will be saved based on any merit of our own, we do not have the assurance of His love and of our salvation when we fail. And we ALL fail every single day, whether we know this to be true or not. Sin is pervasive even into our unknown motives (unknown to us). If you think you go a day without sin, you just don't understand your sinfulness. There is no one who goes a whole day without a selfish thought.

I'm at my happiest when I am being approved of or affirmed by loving words of appreciation. If you pat my head, I'll go get your paper and your slippers like a good little puppy every time. I love to be loved. But having said that, I want to say something more important. Please don't ever stop confronting me or challenging me! Much more than I want your pats on the head, I want to know you and to know your heart. I want to know how I impact you with my words and actions. I want to know how you see me. I already know how I see myself. I have to rely on God to reveal to me how He sees me. I have to want to be shown the truth about myself. I will never see myself honestly without the desire to do so. And I will never see myself through your eyes without your help and your willingness to upset me. So even if I have a little melt down, love me enough to be real with me and to tell me the truth. Please ALWAYS tell me the truth. Even if you know it will hurt me. I want to grow into more truth -- about God, about you and about myself -- more than I want to be affirmed and patted on the head.

There is nothing in life I want more than to grow in God and in His truth. As my friends, I am counting on you to help me with that. Your role is not to simply make me feel comfortable or good about myself. Nor is that my primary role in your life. (Even if it happens to be the role I most enjoy.)

I have to add this one other thing, which is actually what I was going to blog about before I headed down this other road. In my email this morning was an Amazon recommendation for two books. The first was "A New Earth" by Tolle. And right under it was "The Discipline of Spiritual Discernment" by Tim Challies. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence.