Forgetting the things behind...(not easy)

Many of you know that I spent my life, until five years ago, in one church. My church friends were my extended family. Along with being taught some very different doctrines, which set us apart from the majority of other Christians, I remember hearing frequently (in church) that there was nowhere in the world we could go and find God, or the same depth of love and friendship, as we had "in the body." This phrase, "in the body," was never used as a description of all believers. It was the term we used to describe our specific group. And it excluded those who did not share our beliefs, those whom we viewed as not yet having the truths God had revealed to us. If someone was "in the body," they were of the same movement/group/beliefs -- originating from a man named William Sowders.

At one time, I thought that not only might I never be able to find God anywhere else, I believed He would probably be angry with me if I ever left this group to attend a church outside it. The terms that were used all my life to describe Christianity outside of our group were Babylon, false religion, the religious world. I had a fear of ever being a part of the beast in Revelation from a young age. I had a pretty steady diet of Revelation growing up.

I also believed I would probably never have truer friends than the ones I had in that church. We were not encouraged to have close friendships outside of our church group. Our lives revolved around the church. So, in a way, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy for most because we closed ourselves off from other people and associated primarily with each other, except when we were trying to bring someone in. When that was a possibility, much love and attention was lavished on the new person. But we did not reveal all of what we believed right away.

We actually withheld some of our doctrines very purposefully at first. This was not done necessarily with an intent to deceive. This was viewed as using wisdom. We truly believed that being a part of "the body" (as we knew it) was a privilege and the greatest opportunity available in the earth. If God brought someone in, He would show them the truths He had given us (in His time). We also knew that some of our beliefs were considered heretical by other Christians. So we didn't want to scare anyone away by overwhelming them with too much information before God had a chance to prepare their hearts. I remember conversations right up to the time I left about whether or not someone had told a new person what we believed, on this subject or that, yet. I didn't think a thing about this while I was there because it was so ordinary. Of course, I now have a much different outlook on it.

Leaving a group like this is no small event in your life. Ask anyone who has ever been a part of it and then left. Along with your previous beliefs, you leave behind some of the closest relationships you have ever had (or thought you had). It's hard to forsake one without forsaking the other. Even if some friendships survive, they are never the same. And if you speak openly about the past, as I have done, you become an enemy to some. Whether they express it openly or only behind closed doors, you know. And the reason you know is because you grew up there and were once of the same mind.

If you read my comments under the previous post, you know that a specific memory was triggered that day in regard to initially leaving. I continued to think about it for the rest of the day and I wished I had not even mentioned it on my blog. I so want to put all of this behind me. It's a weight. But it's just like the struggle with physical weight. You don't put on 100 pounds in a day or a month or even a year. And you can't expect to drop it all instantly. It's a process. And then even when you have lost it, you struggle to keep it off. My spiritual weight accumulated over 43 years. I've gotten rid of a lot of it, but some of it still fights to hang on. I know it can't stay without my cooperation. And I want to be more determined to get rid of it permanently.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. And all day long I thought about my blessings. I thought about how much I want to live in today and not in the past. I wish I never again needed to talk about my history or be affected by it. You can't wish away your memories. But I'm really going to work harder at putting them behind me.

On a much lighter note, my adorable and precious mother-in-law will be here today. She is staying until a week from Sunday and I am REALLY looking forward to spending time with her. She is an absolute doll and so much fun to be with. We are taking here to the Schermerhorn tonight to see Michael Franks. I have not been to the Schermerhorn yet, so I'm really excited. John got us a table in the front row! He always gets the best seats.

I don't know how much I will post on my blog while Marian is here. But I might have some pictures to share at some point. Monday is President's Day. So Danny, Rebecca, Joshua and Andrew are coming out and spending the night Sunday. Grandma Shari is very happy about that! And Poppy John says he is not going to the dealership until after lunch on Monday. Woo-Hoo! You'd have to know my husband's work ethic to appreciate what a big deal that is!