Truth, Love & Friendship
I have been thinking about what exactly my obligation is to someone I consider my friend. I thought about how my interpretation of that began to change dramatically eight or nine years ago and I would like to share a little bit about that on my blog because I think it relates to the recent discussion.
Over a period of about four years, I received the insight/guidance of a Christian counselor. He never at any time tried to influence me in my life's decisions. He certainly never advised me to go, or not to go, to any particular church. He did sometimes validate conclusions and decisions I came to on my own. But the process was not about his leading me anywhere. He simply helped me to have greater insight into what actually motivated a lot of my behavior and choices, and whether or not my responses to others were based in love (for them and for God) or whether they were more about protecting myself from people's responses TO ME (i.e., consequences).
Obviously, self protection is not a fruit of the spirit. It is a part of our sinful nature. But we can fool ourselves many times into viewing selfish actions as noble or altruistic; i.e., doing the right thing. I did that quite a lot and didn't even know it.
One of the most challenging things for me about counseling was recognizing my role in a lot of my circumstances and facing the underlying, real motive in many of my responses to the people closest to me. I remember my counselor asking me questions about an interaction, my response, and then the ultimate question, "And who is that about?" A lot of times the answer was, "Me?" I got confused a lot. Sometimes I would think I was making it about me and I wasn't. Other times I believed I was doing something completely selfLESS only to have to confront the unpleasant reality that it was entirely selfISH. Many times it just came down to this: my need, above all else, to be loved, understood and approved of. Self, self, self. And certainly what is focused on self can never be about God or His glory.
In attempting to change my self-protecting ways of interacting with people, I knew I would have to put certain relationships at risk; not because I wanted to, but because any change might be unacceptable. And I was not willing to stay the same. When the goal becomes telling the truth, because that is actually the loving thing to do, it can rock the boat way too much. But my counselor helped me to understand how I was not loving someone by withholding the truth; especially when it was necessary to their spiritual growth or it involved an injustice that Jesus would confront if here.
Sometimes challenging someone you love is the only loving choice. To be silent is often either apathetic or self-serving. I wanted to be neither. I really wanted to change my motives, even at great personal cost. I didn't want to stay the way I was, once I saw that change was needed. In actuality, I couldn't remain the same once I had seen my toxic heart. And I have come to value, more and more, the people in my life who will speak the truth to me -- even if it initially hurts me.
I genuinely want to do what God expects me to do, whether it is pleasing to other people or not. I am not claiming I always succeed in that area of my life. But with the help of the Holy Spirit, I have seen a gradual trend of change in the right direction. Although I still want people's love, acceptance and understanding, it's not the ultimate goal for me now and it's not the overwhelming need it once was.
A part of me changed inside simply by learning that any time my actions are rooted in the concern for how someone will respond to me, my motive is self-protection. Any time I choose dishonesty (or silence when a stand is called for) over upsetting someone and losing their affection, I am loving myself and not my friend (or brother or sister in the Lord). And God help me never to choose protecting someone's image (especially my own) over protecting an innocent soul from potential harm.
In my case, a lot of my actions/reactions were (and still are) rooted in the fear of rejection and being disposable. I've experienced a lot of rejection (withdrawal of affection might be a better description) throughout my life because my opinions were unwanted and my feelings did not matter to significant people in my life. I also grew up in a spiritual environment where the most highly valued behavior was outright compliance and loyalty. There were perks and rewards for abiding by every rule and not challenging the status quo. And there were consequences for noncompliance (even if it was just a very disapproving look up and down for wearing pants or earrings). My point is that you knew when you were bucking the system and that it was not appreciated. Many times I heard that by cutting my hair or wearing too much make up, I was diminishing the credibility of my pastor with the other ministers and other such comments meant to motivate (or manipulate) me to fall in line -- for all the wrong reasons. As much as I longed for the approval of others, there has always been something in me that refused to resort to obtaining it through insincerity.
I say all of that primarily to show how, I believe (even in small things), we can actually be encouraged to do things for all the wrong reasons even by spiritual leaders. Our spiritual leaders also have a fallen nature and are not immune to wrong motives. Once your eyes are open to this, you are never the same. In every decision now, where I believe there is a right response and a wrong one, I ask myself what is weighing heaviest in my decision. Am I making the selfless choice or the selfish choice? Is my motive to love someone else or to love myself? More specifically, I ask myself: If I feel reluctant to take a stand or speak the truth, is it because that choice will make my life easier or help me to avoid criticism/disapproval/rejection? And am I placing a higher value on my comfort and my unaffected life than the welfare (spiritual, physical or emotional) of someone else? If the answer is "it will protect me," that is a confirmation of my intitial conviction to stand up and bodly speak the truth in love, regardless of whether or not it makes my life harder.
That is not to say that I won't make mistakes and still choose the wrong responses as I grow in wisdom. Many times I gave the wrong answer to the question of who something was about because I got confused in the learning process. But I can live with knowing I have made a mistake while trying to have the right motive better than I can live with tolerating and excusing my wrong/selfish motives. It seems to me that Jesus emphasized the importance of the motives of our hearts more than our perfect performances. In fact, a pleasing performance can often cover up a lot of secret sin and a very wicked heart. God will not be fooled, but a lot of people will be.
Sometimes I have to ask God to reveal more of my heart to me because I can't see what's there through my own lens. In His mercy, I know He has answered this prayer only a little at a time. I'm quite sure that if He answered it with large doses of the selfishness HE sees in me, it would completely overwhelm me.
Over a period of about four years, I received the insight/guidance of a Christian counselor. He never at any time tried to influence me in my life's decisions. He certainly never advised me to go, or not to go, to any particular church. He did sometimes validate conclusions and decisions I came to on my own. But the process was not about his leading me anywhere. He simply helped me to have greater insight into what actually motivated a lot of my behavior and choices, and whether or not my responses to others were based in love (for them and for God) or whether they were more about protecting myself from people's responses TO ME (i.e., consequences).
Obviously, self protection is not a fruit of the spirit. It is a part of our sinful nature. But we can fool ourselves many times into viewing selfish actions as noble or altruistic; i.e., doing the right thing. I did that quite a lot and didn't even know it.
One of the most challenging things for me about counseling was recognizing my role in a lot of my circumstances and facing the underlying, real motive in many of my responses to the people closest to me. I remember my counselor asking me questions about an interaction, my response, and then the ultimate question, "And who is that about?" A lot of times the answer was, "Me?" I got confused a lot. Sometimes I would think I was making it about me and I wasn't. Other times I believed I was doing something completely selfLESS only to have to confront the unpleasant reality that it was entirely selfISH. Many times it just came down to this: my need, above all else, to be loved, understood and approved of. Self, self, self. And certainly what is focused on self can never be about God or His glory.
In attempting to change my self-protecting ways of interacting with people, I knew I would have to put certain relationships at risk; not because I wanted to, but because any change might be unacceptable. And I was not willing to stay the same. When the goal becomes telling the truth, because that is actually the loving thing to do, it can rock the boat way too much. But my counselor helped me to understand how I was not loving someone by withholding the truth; especially when it was necessary to their spiritual growth or it involved an injustice that Jesus would confront if here.
Sometimes challenging someone you love is the only loving choice. To be silent is often either apathetic or self-serving. I wanted to be neither. I really wanted to change my motives, even at great personal cost. I didn't want to stay the way I was, once I saw that change was needed. In actuality, I couldn't remain the same once I had seen my toxic heart. And I have come to value, more and more, the people in my life who will speak the truth to me -- even if it initially hurts me.
I genuinely want to do what God expects me to do, whether it is pleasing to other people or not. I am not claiming I always succeed in that area of my life. But with the help of the Holy Spirit, I have seen a gradual trend of change in the right direction. Although I still want people's love, acceptance and understanding, it's not the ultimate goal for me now and it's not the overwhelming need it once was.
A part of me changed inside simply by learning that any time my actions are rooted in the concern for how someone will respond to me, my motive is self-protection. Any time I choose dishonesty (or silence when a stand is called for) over upsetting someone and losing their affection, I am loving myself and not my friend (or brother or sister in the Lord). And God help me never to choose protecting someone's image (especially my own) over protecting an innocent soul from potential harm.
In my case, a lot of my actions/reactions were (and still are) rooted in the fear of rejection and being disposable. I've experienced a lot of rejection (withdrawal of affection might be a better description) throughout my life because my opinions were unwanted and my feelings did not matter to significant people in my life. I also grew up in a spiritual environment where the most highly valued behavior was outright compliance and loyalty. There were perks and rewards for abiding by every rule and not challenging the status quo. And there were consequences for noncompliance (even if it was just a very disapproving look up and down for wearing pants or earrings). My point is that you knew when you were bucking the system and that it was not appreciated. Many times I heard that by cutting my hair or wearing too much make up, I was diminishing the credibility of my pastor with the other ministers and other such comments meant to motivate (or manipulate) me to fall in line -- for all the wrong reasons. As much as I longed for the approval of others, there has always been something in me that refused to resort to obtaining it through insincerity.
I say all of that primarily to show how, I believe (even in small things), we can actually be encouraged to do things for all the wrong reasons even by spiritual leaders. Our spiritual leaders also have a fallen nature and are not immune to wrong motives. Once your eyes are open to this, you are never the same. In every decision now, where I believe there is a right response and a wrong one, I ask myself what is weighing heaviest in my decision. Am I making the selfless choice or the selfish choice? Is my motive to love someone else or to love myself? More specifically, I ask myself: If I feel reluctant to take a stand or speak the truth, is it because that choice will make my life easier or help me to avoid criticism/disapproval/rejection? And am I placing a higher value on my comfort and my unaffected life than the welfare (spiritual, physical or emotional) of someone else? If the answer is "it will protect me," that is a confirmation of my intitial conviction to stand up and bodly speak the truth in love, regardless of whether or not it makes my life harder.
That is not to say that I won't make mistakes and still choose the wrong responses as I grow in wisdom. Many times I gave the wrong answer to the question of who something was about because I got confused in the learning process. But I can live with knowing I have made a mistake while trying to have the right motive better than I can live with tolerating and excusing my wrong/selfish motives. It seems to me that Jesus emphasized the importance of the motives of our hearts more than our perfect performances. In fact, a pleasing performance can often cover up a lot of secret sin and a very wicked heart. God will not be fooled, but a lot of people will be.
Sometimes I have to ask God to reveal more of my heart to me because I can't see what's there through my own lens. In His mercy, I know He has answered this prayer only a little at a time. I'm quite sure that if He answered it with large doses of the selfishness HE sees in me, it would completely overwhelm me.
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