Agh!

Remember those "Love is" cartoons by Cathy Guisewite? That's how I feel right now! By the way, Cathy Guisewite is a distant relative of mine. I've been told she descends from the same Guisewite family that settled (long ago) in Lancaster, PA. My Guisewites wound up in Mt. Carmel, Illinois. And I think (if I'm remembering correctly), there was a Lancaster, Illinois in between the two (named by my ancestors). I'm not 100% sure on any of this, but I do remember a little history my grandfather (Delmar Guisewite) shared with me years ago. This is probably more than most of you care to know about my ancestry. (But if anyone ever searches for Guisewites, my blog just might come up and who knows where that could lead!)

I don't really have time to be on the computer. That, however, does not totally stop me. I have to take breaks from working on this big move. This is my 7th day of packing. I have spent some days working from dawn until bedtime. Yesterday I only worked an hour when I got home from spending the day with the kids. But I have not let a single day go by without making progress. I intended to do more last night, but I was just too tired.

Moving is such a big job. Nobody enjoys it (I don't think). I certainly don't. But I always surprise myself at how well I do it. You have to be methodical and just keep plodding along. I spent a month packing a little each day the last time we moved. And I much prefer having the time to do it that way. But this time I don't. Fortunately, I have a safety net under me. The moving crew will come the day before they load my stuff and finish packing what I don't have time to do myself.

My emotions are (mildly) bouncing around all over the place. To my surprise, there is a part of me that is really excited about this adventure with John. I like the idea of moving someplace where neither one of us has ever lived and making new friends. I'm not a business person, but I enjoy my role as "the woman behind the man." It feels good to know I am a support and an encouragement to him in everything he does. I don't think he ever doubts that I am behind him 100%. Even when something is not easy for me.

The first time he took me to West Virginia to check out the area, I cried half the time we were there. I was behind him and agreeable to relocating. But every time I thought about leaving my family, my grandkids, my friends, my church ... I just couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes (and sometimes running down my cheeks). Selfishly, I cannot say that I wanted to go anywhere. And if there could have been an equal opportunity that did not require us to move, I would have been ecstatic. But we both prayed a lot about this; specifically, that God would block it from happening unless this was His will for our lives. And several times when it took God to work out a detail, He did. So it helps me a lot that I believe in my heart this is "meant to be" for us.

We both believe there are reasons why God leads us in certain directions that have nothing to do with the reasons WE see. And I believe with all my heart in the promise of Romans 8:28.

Nevertheless, I have had difficult moments over the past several months. Especially early on. And in those moments, I just told John he'd have to understand that I had a lot of conflicting emotions to process and work through. I am not the quickest to embrace change, but I am (ultimately) very adaptable. But I don't handle anything by denying my feelings.

I'm thankful that I am now feeling a lot of happy anticipation and excitement. I still feel some sadness about being a day's drive away from my sweet grandsons. And when someone reacts to the news by saying, "You're LEAVING your grandchildren?????" I notice that I feel a little defensive inside. As if I'm doing something wrong. But when you love your spouse unselfishly and take your vows seriously, there is no question of who must come first. I have always given my son that same advice. And I have always seen the danger in living life through your children. They have their own life to live. And there is no guarantee that they won't have an opportunity materialize that requires a move. My healthy role as parent and grandparent at this stage in life is simply to enhance their lives as much as I can, but not to try to make them my life. That burdens them. And I am convinced that I can be just as much a loving grandma and mom / mother-in-law a day's drive away as I am an hour away. As busy as their lives are, I truthfully don't think I will be missed as much as I will miss them.

I was so glad yesterday that the subject of moving never came up with the boys. Danny told them last week that Grandma Shari and Poppy John were moving to another state and showed them the state on a map. Andrew immediately asked to see Florida. LOL. Joshua said he felt like he was going to cry. I never want to make my grandchild cry, but healthy emotion is good. And I'm thankful I have been enough of a positive presence in his life that he feels that emotion. However, if he had said that to me yesterday, I think I would have cried. A part of me feels some kind of weird, false guilt. That is the unhealthy part of me. Those abandonment issues are still tucked away. I recognize the co-dependent inside! I never want anyone I love to feel that I am abandoning them. But that is not the case. And my grandsons are never going to feel that from me.

I have always chuckled at people who don't like saying the word goodbye. I didn't get it. But suddenly I do. For me, it may also be a bit of an age thing. I am so aware of my mortality these days and the shortness of time. I don't think I'm morbid about it. But I think about how precious our time is A LOT. I find myself not wanting to say the word goodbye to anybody as I approach this move. Especially my grandchildren. I'm determined that I will see them no less than every two months. The only thing that could slightly interfere with my plans is winter. It snows a lot where I'm going.

I am not saying goodbye. I'm saying "See you on Facebook and on my frequent visits to Tennessee." Even my friends who have moved back to California, I do not feel I have said goodbye to! That is one of the greatest things about Facebook. We may live in different places and see each other physically only on occasion, but we are interacting with each other almost daily. As I have processed the changes this move is going to make for me, I have been so thankful for that online contact and the assurance of my friends continuing to be visible to me!

As moving day approaches, I am feeling some extremely conflicting emotions. I am very emotional about the leaving part. But I am also very excited. I am so thankful God has blessed John with health and a new business opportunity. I know John works as hard as he does for US, not selfishly for his own agenda. He takes care of me and loves me in a way I had never experienced prior to meeting him.

I never dreamed my life with John would take me to West Virginia. But whatever is a part of the package is okay with me. Because I never could have dreamed of having such a wonderful marriage and husband or such a great stepdad and "Poppy John" in the lives of my kids.

Wherever God takes us, every day we have together is a gift!

And now I must get back to work.

Local Newspaper Article in Beckley, WV

Click on Link:  Beckley Honda has a new name!

John was interviewed just before we left Friday for this newspaper article. John's comments comparing Beckley to his "previous location" were in reference to Shelbyville, TN. Murfreesboro is where we live and is a neighboring community. Pirtle & Howerton Automotive is located in Shelbyville. And I'm not sure the reporter realized that John did not live and work in the same town. But I thought it was a great article to introduce John and his goals for John Howerton Honda to the community of Beckley.

This has been a weird day for me. John had to return to the dealership and I'm packing. Moving is a big job and today I have felt overwhelmed with all I still have to do. When I feel overwhelmed, I tend to be emotional. And I've had some weepy moments today! But I'm plugging away and am happy with what I have accomplished this weekend.

I sure can tell I'm five years older than the last time we moved, though!

A New Chapter Begins

Ahhhhhhh (my sigh of relief) . . .

I can finally talk about the big changes in our lives!

I am not a secretive person. I am so uncomfortable with being vague or mysterious. I know I don't owe everyone a detailed explanation of my business. And even when someone asks a question, that does not mean I have an obligation to answer. But that's what comes most naturally for me. And it has been extremely challenging for me to be silent about our plans over the last few months. Even sitting in my Bible study group during our last study, I felt like I was hiding something or withholding truth because I knew why I could not commit to the next study and I couldn't say anything.

Nevertheless, there are such things as confidentiality agreements in the world we live in. And my husband was legally bound by one. Therefore, I had to respect and honor his commitment to silence.

But now it's official and I can share my thoughts. And I am very eager to do so because of some of the private reactions I've gotten from friends to the news that we are moving from Tennessee to West Virginia. A few of my friends have assumed I am heartbroken or being enormously self-sacrificing for John's sake. But even though there is some sacrifice involved in being further away from people I love, I feel good about this move and this business opportunity. I'm not unhappy or heartbroken. My strongest emotion is being thrilled for my husband. God has profoundly blessed my life with an amazing husband and marriage. And wherever that takes me, I am going to have a good life with him.

I have always prayed for God to bless my husband's business efforts. He works hard and always tries to honor God in the way he interacts with others; both personally and professionally. So when John was offered this store, I believed it might be God's answer to my prayers. We've both prayed about it, and I have personally asked God to roadblock us unless this was His will for our lives. Only He knows all of the reasons He is bringing us to West Virginia. And I believe God has a plan for us that is bigger than just our business plan. When I am convinced that God is in something and has helped make it happen, I have peace of mind regardless of the aspects that could be unsettling or even challenging. And I am convinced.

I have had time to process all of the emotions involved in this decision. I have made numerous trips to West Virginia to explore the area. And I just want my friends to know that I am very excited about this new business venture and the area we will be living in.

I will still be close enough to make regular trips to Nashville to see my family and friends. It's an easy drive, about six hours and all highway. I'm absolutely certain that when my family sees the area and all there is to do here, they are going to enjoy coming to see us, too. We will be living in the mountains, surrounded by national parks, hiking, fishing, snow skiing, white water rafting, etc. And we will be just five hours from Washington, DC. (I love DC! And a good friend lives there.)


Everyone keeps telling us, "Wait till you see spring here!"


Two years ago, the stress I was struggling with was my husband's failure to respond to chemotherapy. Last January, I almost lost my mother-in-law to a severe bout of pneumonia. Today, they are both doing great on CAL-101, enjoying good health and full, active lives. The only CLL "symptom" John has is a little fatigue. He runs out of steam by late afternoon and can't work long hours. That's it. And that's actually a good thing to come from his diagnosis. He needed to prioritize his health and take a bit more time to rest and relax. And he's come a long way in that area. He finally realizes that he has to make R & R a priority. God works in mysterious ways.

I am so thankful that my husband is healthy and well enough to tackle the challenge of a new business venture. I'm embracing the changes that will include and looking forward to all that God has for us in the state of West Virginia. I know I'm going to make wonderful new friends that I will not be able to imagine my life without.

I know that because that's exactly what happened when I moved to Murfreesboro to begin my life with John!

I look forawrd to sharing more about our new adventure on my blog as we make this transition in the upcoming weeks and months.

Self-Image and Environment

I read something on Facebook this morning that provoked the following reflection.

As far back as I can remember, I believed that if I'd had a sister, she probably wouldn't like me. And then later in life, I remember hoping my unborn child would be a son because I was pretty sure that if I had a daughter, she wouldn't like me either.

In light of that belief, it seems a bit ironic to me, today, that I have a daughter-in-law who does not seem to have a hard time loving/liking/getting along with me. I have nieces I am very close to who don't seem to have a hard time loving/liking/getting along with me. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law who doesn't seem to have a hard time loving/liking/getting along with me. And I have great relationships with all but one of my sisters-in-law. (Unresolved past conflict plays a huge role in the one that I can't honestly describe as "great.")

I've shared numerous times that I never felt like I was a particularly lovable person until John came into my life. I viewed my personality as difficult to love and myself as someone who had to constantly work at earning value in other people's lives. I also believed that if I was too much trouble or had too many expectations, I would be avoided and/or discarded. So I tried not to be needy, but inside I remember feeling desperate for approval, validation, love, and acceptance. I just wanted to feel like I (and my feelings) mattered. Instead, I felt dismissed by way of my outward personality traits. "Oh, that's just Shari. She's emotional."

I was and am an emotional person by nature. The only difference between the past and present me is that I don't view that as a defect anymore. It has an upside and a downside, as every personality trait in each of us does. I realize that imperfect is not the equivalent of bad.

I have always been outgoing, outspoken, passionate, and expressive. Because of my extroverted traits, so many people (who knew me as a young person) have told me they always saw me as extremely self-confident. But extroverts can be quite insecure. (Extroverts by definition are rejuvenated and reenergized externally.) I was pushed to excel and achieve and perform. The driving force behind all of that was my dad. It was his demand for straight A's and regular piano practicing (and performing) that propelled me into whatever I achieved as a young person. Much later in life, at the age of 40, I went to college and graduated magna cum laude from Lipsbomb University. But I accomplished that from a drive I discovered within myself later in life. I did not have that drive when I was young. Decisions were made for me. And I really had no self-confidence to speak of until I went to college in my forties. At that point, I began to develop a degree of self-assurance.

I remember being surprised that people liked me and gravitated toward me. Really surprised. I remember discovering that I could do things that I had always believed I couldn't do. Not until my early forties did I begin to feel a level of confidence, accomplishment and capability within myself. I think that is why school was so threatening to my then-husband. Although he was initially so supportive, after the first semester he began to complain and pressure me to quit. I think there was a gleam in my eye that had never been there and the gleam was "I can do this. I can do it well. And the accomplishment is purely mine." Whether conscious or unconscious, I am convinced that belief in myself as competent and capable was the last thing he wanted for me. It made me stronger. He wanted (consciously or unconsciously) to be in control of whatever acknowledgment, praise or validation I received. That way, he could also be in control of withholding it. I'm not saying that to be unkind. He had a lot of issues before he ever met me; issues I didn't comprehend prior to marriage. I am not bitter and I always felt compassion for him. That was partly why I avoided writing about marital abuse in my book, Breaking the Chains. (The other reason was that it would be a whole book of its own if I did write about it.) But I recognize, in hindsight, just how effectively I was held down and held back.

Marrying anyone at the age of 16 was a pivotol event in my young life. The fact that I married someone who began abusing me one week into the marriage was even more pivotol. I am not sure what formed my self-image more; my childhood, my first marriage or the combination of both. Since I was only 16 when I married, I was technically still IN my childhood (as much as I would have been opposed to anyone saying that at the time). I think it's a chicken or the egg dilemma. I believe I was more susceptible to marrying the kind of man I married because of my upbringing. I definitely was conditioned to stay in the abuse by my upbringing. And my self-image contributed to my staying in it willingly for so long. But the constant reinforcement I was subjected to (from my first husband) that I wasn't loved or good enough (within my family) was like water poured on my seeds of insecurity. If my life had been given a different kind of "water" earlier in life, who knows, I might have outgrown a lot of my immature self-image. Instead, it took on new life and new proportions, and only began to change when I began to step outside the box I lived in for most of my life; including making new friends with no connection to my past.

Considering all the relational issues and challenges I've struggled with prior to the last eight or nine years, I have (to my surprise) a complete lack of conflict, turmoil or misunderstanding in my life presently. The only existing relational issues today linger from or are connected to my past and the environment I spent the majority of my life in. And my self-image today is much different from what it was even ten years ago.

It's not that I don't still see my flaws. They are many. I make a conscious effort to grow as a person and learn from past mistakes. I examine my heart and motives frequently. I try to look at myself as honestly as I can and not be in denial of my shortcomings. I regularly acknowledge being wrong. I intentionally work on areas where I clearly SEE the need for change. But my core personality and temperament are the same as they have always been. What's radically different is my environment.

It is as if the garden I have been transplanted into has richer soil, superior water, Miraclegrow fertilizer, and just the right amount of sunshine and shade. I'm the same DNA, but a different -- healthy and vibrant -- flower. I'm finally blooming the way God always intended me to bloom.

Surviving is good. But thriving is better.

I wasn't sure why I was even writing all of this until this moment, and now I feel like I know. If you - a reader - are newly out of any kind of abuse (whether verbal, mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual), I want to encourage you to cultivate different soil and growing conditions for your life. Abuse makes the victim feel responsible for their circumstances, for the actions of others, even for the repercussions of the abuse. This makes you feel crazy. It creates continual self-doubt. It generates false guilt. It paralyzes you. And I think that's why it's so easy to enable rather than confront it.

Dare to uproot yourself from diseased soil. That may be something different in your life than it was in mine. But don't stay where you cannot grow. There is better soil waiting for you just like there was better soil waiting for me.